If you do, heres a preview of the READ ME FIRST page

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the worlds #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsofts previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). Youll notice immediately that

• 98 is a higher number than 95
• a better than 3 percent increase.

But thats not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).

Among the improvements:

• faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
• enhanced Caps Lock and back-space functionality,
• smoother handling,
• less knocking and pinging,
• an easy-to-follow 720-page Users Guide,

  and

• rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.

Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. Were betting that youll never use another companys software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the worlds most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether its the one produced by the worlds largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the Options folder, click on the time bomb icon, and select Load Inferior Browser. A dialog box will ask Are you sure? Click yes. This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages – just keep clicking yes.

Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. Youll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb runs out and the screen explodes. If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed – permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the Year 2000 computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you wont have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the softwares internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as Satsun, and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called Bill and Melissa. Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether its your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

Weve done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if youre having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we dont hear from you, well assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. Well also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

1. Each fencer shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one sword and the proper protective gear.
2. Play on the strip must be approved by the owner of the target.
3. Unlike conventional fencing, the object is to impale the target.
4. For most effective play, the sword should have a firm, but not sharp, blade.The owner of the target is permitted to check the blade and protective equipment before play begins.
5. Target owners reserve the right to restrict blade length to avoid damage to the target.
6. The object of the game is to lunge, recover, lunge, recover until the target owner is satisfied that enough touches have been scored. Failure to do so may result in a black card and being banned from the strip.
7. It is considered bad form to begin fencing immediately upon arrival at the strip.It is important to engage in certain exercise before fencing.The experienced fencer will check out the entire strip, paying close attention to any elevations present.
8. Fencers are cautioned not to mention other strips they have or are currently fencing on to the strip owner.Broken blades and dented guards may result from angered strip owners.
9. It is very important for fencers to bring the proper protective gear, just in case.
10. Fencers should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when fencing on a new strip for the first time. Previous fencers have been known to become irate if they discover someone else fencing on what they consider to be a private strip.
11. Fencers should not assume that all targets are eligible at all times.Some fencers may be embarrassed if they find the strip to be temporarily under repair.More advanced fencers will find alternative moves.
12. Fencers are advised to obtain strip owners permission before lunging for the more advanced targets.
13. Slow fencing is encouraged; however, fencers should be prepared to fence at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the strip owners request.
14. Fencers are reminded that foil and epee fencers may only use the tip of the blades, whereas sabre fencers are encouraged to use the whole length.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to fence on the strip several times times in one meet.
16. The strip owner will be the soul judge of who is the best fencer.

• Fencers are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given strip. Additional assessments may be levied by the strip owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many fencers prefer to continue to fence on several different strips.

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each others company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peters manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, Surely you cant be ready for more already?
Sharon replies, No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!

Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

What fer?, asked Bubba.

Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?

No, sir, said Earl. Were on the patch!

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After the dentist has had a short look at the mans mouth he says, So…been licking your wife recently?

The poor man looks up in horror and replies, Uhhh …Yeah …uhhh …why? …Do I have pubes between my teeth?

Whereupon the dentist replies, Nope …youve got shit in your nostrils!

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks.

The woman says, Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

Son dos compadres granjeros, y a uno de ellos le iba muy bien con la producción de huevos. Un dia el compadre al que no le iba nada bien le dice a su compadre que le dé el secreto para que sus gallinas den muchos huevos. El compadre le dice que es muy fácil, que a cada gallina le ponga un huevo de plomo y que con eso se soluciona el problema.

Sale el granjero a la ciudad a buscar los famosos huevos de plomo. Después de buscar durante todo el día los huevos de plomo sin encontrarlos el granjero dice ¡Este es el último lugar en el que pregunto! Si no hay, me voy.

En eso fuera de la ferretería está un viejito sentado y el granjero, ya cansado, desde su camioneta le grita, Ey, disculpe señor ¿tiene huevos de plomo?

El señor, disgustado, se empieza a levantar lentamente y le responde, ¡Lo que tengo son reumas, hijo de la chingada!

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut

Q: What do you call a pig with skin problems?

A: A warthog