Old and New Jokes

Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If
four of your friends are OK, then youre the one.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

In school, the professor asks:


-Who can tell me now who was the mother


of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!


Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and


answers without hesitate :


– Moses mother was the faraohs daughter!


– No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraohs


daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…


– Yeah,thats what she says

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a mans head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.Hello? she cried, but no answer.Is there anyone here? she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE? Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away… Were down here!

Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.

It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Santa said now he wants to have the whole shop.

A pikie

I wont be coming to work today because:

______________________



1. If its all the same to you, I wont be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.

3. I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

4. Im stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.

5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I wont be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Ill be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wont bite things when I am startled.

8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didnt want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

But father, Ariel argued, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW its new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?