Old and New Jokes

1.Ur momma is so fat when she sat on the rainbow she made skittles.

2.Ur momma is so fat when she jumped outta the sky she got stuck.



3.Ur momma is so fat when she took one step she made an earthquake.



4.Ur momma is so ugly when she loooked into the mirror she got crusty.

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims its a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there.

Why should you avoid running over an [ethnic] riding a bicycle in your
neighborhood?

– Because the bike may be yours.

She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldnt find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

What do you do when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

Cock your gun and say Freeze nigger!

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending hes driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, Charlie! What are you doing? Charlie replied, Cant talk right now…. Im driving to Chicago! The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, Well Charlie, how you doing? Charlie says, Im exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.Thats great, replied the nurse, Im glad you had a safe trip. The nurse leaves Charlies room, and then goes across the hall into another patients room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, Ed what are you doing!? To which Ed replies, Shhh, Im screwing Charlies wife, while hes in Chicago.

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped
up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an
eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, Howd you get a cork in your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.

And I said, No shit.

It kept on repeating OOOOMMM.