Old and New Jokes

New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, A Menedez Family Christmas.
Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
Your son informs you he doesnt care to be your cellmate anymore.
You have to buy separate Mothers Day cards for each of Moms personalities.
Family discussions usually begin with, Put the gun down.
You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
Didnt make todays Top Five List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

and Top5s Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional …

No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and Im using some of the insurance money for this trip.

Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How do you start a flood? he asked.

People say, Merry Christmas! or Happy New Year! before giving you the finger.
Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly.
People pray even when theyre not in the back seat of a cab.
If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap.
Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100.
Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
Police investigate the seasons first sleigh-jacking.
Strangers greet each other with I got your Yule log right here.
Two words: Crack nog.

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

Darling wife, the husband whispers, assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if …

The wife gently interrupts him. Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mothers grave that you are his father.

The man then dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: Thank God he didnt ask about the other three.

This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from
excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process
that took quite a while.

At the end, the woman says, You see, Doctor, while Ive been sitting here
talking to you Ive broken wind five times, but theres no sound and no smell.

At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and
handed it to the woman. Whats this? she asked, some pills?

No, replied the Doctor, that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in
next week, and we will operate on your nose.

San Antonio… ¡Ojalá que encuentre novio!

San Alejo… Que lo pueda hacer pendejo.

San Hilario… Que me dé todo el salario.

San Crispín… Que me haga un rapidín.

San Erasmo… Que me lleve hasta el orgasmo.

San Gabriel… Que me sea fiel.

San Canuto… ¡Que no sea puto!

Santo Tomás… Que me quiera cada día más.

San Eleazar… Que me saque a pasear.

San Judas Izcariote… ¡Que lo tenga bien grandote! (El sueldo).

En un convento en el que reina la espiritualidad y la calma, recibe la Madre Superiora a una novicia que le dice:

Madre, tengo un problema y quiero confesar…

Cuéntame, hija, ¿qué te pasa?

Pues, que estoy embarazada…

¡Eso como va a ser!, dice la Superiora. ¿Como ha sido?

Pues… no lo se, la verdad… ¿que puedo hacer?

Mira hija, vas a hacer lo siguiente: te vas a tu casa durante 9 meses, tienes el niño, lo dejas con alguien que pueda atenderlo y regresas, con lo que serás perdonada.

Muy bien, Madre, así lo haré.

Total que se va la novicia y al cabo de una semana recibe a otra con el mismo problema.M isma penitencia.

Y durante 6 meses todas las novicias del convento con el mismo tema. La Superiora, asustada reúne a todas las monjas de edad avanzada y les dice:

Hijas mías, ya sabeis lo que ha acontecido estos últimos meses con nuestras jóvenes novicias… yo también tengo una mala noticia… ¡estoy embarazada! pero no os preocupeis que haré lo mismo que vuestras compañeras, iré a casa, tendré el niño y volveré… pero antes quiero enterarme quién es el HIJO DE PUTA que se corre encima de las velas!

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.



If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.



I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.



Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.



Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: When Im dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.

Wife: No, I cant marry anyone after you.

Johnson: But I want you to.

Wife: But why?

Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:Collie + Lhasa Apso–Collapso,a dog that folds up easy for transportingSpitz + Chow Chow–Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alotPointer + Setter–Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas petGreat Pyrenees + Dachshund–Pyradachs, a puzzling breedPekingnese + Lhasa Apso–Peekasso, an abstract dogIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel–Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistleLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever–Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientistsNewfoundland + Basset Hound–Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisorsTerrier + Bulldog–Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakesBloodhound + Labrador–Blabador, a dog that barks incessantlyMalamute + Pointer–Moot Point, owned by…..oh, well, it doesnt matter anywayCollie + Malamute–Commute, a dog that travels to workDeerhound + Terrier–Derriere, a dog thats true to the end