Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.
What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?
No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.
Un hombre murió y fue enviado al infierno. Allà encontró al diablo, quien le dijo que acababan de introducir algunas mejoras y que ahora cada nuevo inquilino podÃa elegir entre tres tipos de tortura. El demonio le explicó que estas torturas corrÃan en ciclos de mil años y que podÃa elegir en cuál ciclo empezar.
El tipo fue conducido por el diablo a la primer sala de torturas donde un hombre estaba siendo azotado con cadenas.
Paso al siguiente, dijo el fulano.
En la siguiente sala, un hombre estaba colgado de los brazos y lo estaban azotando con un látigo con puntas de hierro. El tipo sacudió la cabeza en señal de disgusto.
Finalmente, pasaron a la última sala, donde otro hombre estaba atado a la pared, totalmente desnudo. Una mujer escultural le estaba prácticando sexo oral. El tipo indica:
SÃ, sÃ, aquà es donde quiero empezar.
El diablo le preguntó:
¿Estás seguro? Te recuerdo que esto va a durar mil años.
SÃ, estoy seguro. Éste es el lugar.
Bueno, acepta el demonio encogiéndose de hombros.
El diablo caminó hasta donde estaba la hermosa rubia, le tocó el hombro y le dijo:
Ya llegó tu reemplazo.
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
If they dont want us to drink and drive,
why do you have to have a drivers license to buy beer?
— Drexells Class
One Point Dares:Ignore the first five people who say good morning to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasnt you.
Finish all your sentences with In accordance with the prophecy…
Dont use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. Three Point Dares:Say to your boss, I like your style, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you get an email, shout email.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, dagnamit, its happened again!. Then do it again.
Introduce yourself to a new colleague as the office bicycle. Then wink and pout.
Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you cant seem to access any p*rnography web sites. Five Point Dares:At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy persons office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Dave.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do a number two.
When youve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, she can abort it for
John came home from work one afternoon, and being horny as hell took his
beautiful girlfriend, Suzy, upstairs to the bedroom. He proceeded to
undress her, but before he took his pants off, he removed a packet of
condoms from his pocket. What are those? Suzy asked.Olympic condoms replied John.What makes them Olympic?Suzy asked. There are three colors, gold, silver and bronze, said John.Which color are you planning to wear tonight? asked Suzy.Gold of course! replied John.Well said Suzy Why dont you wear silver and come second for a change!
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After theyve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if shes seen any cops.
Yes, says the blonde.
Are their lights on?
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesnt grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to put your two cents in…but its only a penny for your thoughts? Wheres that extra penny going to?
Once youre in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? Theyre going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Before I came to college I wish I had known…
that it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class Id sleep right through it.
that I would change so much and barely realize it.
that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
that college kids throw airplanes, too.
that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why youre so dressed up.
that every clock on campus shows a different time.
that if you were smart in high school – so what?
that I would go to a party the night before a final.
that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.
that you can know everything and fail a test.
that you can know nothing and ace a test.
that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.
that home is a great place to visit.
that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
that Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.
that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.
that I really wouldnt be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life.
that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time.
that beer would play an intricate role in my future.
that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life.
how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home.
that I would no longer get allowance.
Thanx to William Conway.
Q: How do you know youre leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, Lets just be friends.