Old and New Jokes

A man was telling his friends, When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her.
One of his friends asked, And when you are angry, what do you do ?
The man replied, I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Disketts should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shaving can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the disk to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskette unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.
Diskette cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If you need to back up your data, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Never insert a diskette into a drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smearing or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the dishette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskette may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskette dry before using.
Never use scissors or glue to manual edit documents. The data stored is much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskette with insecticide to prevent viruses from spreading.

A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

It was December 31st and Little Johnnys dad had just come back from his business trip When he got home he said Little Johnny did you get to see Santa this year and Little Johnny goes Yes, He was lying on top of mommy yelling HO HO HO

Dear Dr. RAM
I have a computer with a Pentium 133 CPU. I want to increase the speed, but I have no money to spend on an upgrade. What do you advise?
— Speed Fiend

Dear Speed,
Ask you doctor to prescribe you something to slow down your metabolism. Take the medicine and wait for a couple of hours. Then switch your computer on and you will notice a dramatic increase in speed and overall performances.

Dear Dr. RAM,
I bought a $ 5,000 notebook, with batteries guaranteed to last for six hours. They did actually last for about that long, after which the computer went dead. What shall I do? Shall I try and change the batteries?
— Out Of Power

Dear Out,
From your description, I believe that you bought a disposable notebook and therefore there is nothing you can do. However, you are in luck: I happen to collect disposable notebooks, even if they have no use whatsoever. Send me your machine and I shall mail you $50, so you will not suffer a total loss. No, dont thank me, its quite all right.

A very good man died, and as a reward for a life well spent, went to heaven.
When he arrived, St. Peter met him at the gate. Welcome, said St. Peter,
since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven.

Thank you, said the man. But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of
other people are here?

Well, all kinds, replied St. Peter.

Are there any convicted criminals in heaven? asked the man.

Yes, some, said St. Peter.

Are there any communists in heaven? asked the man.

Yes, there are, replied St. Peter.

Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man.

Just a few, said St. Peter.

Well, are there any lawyers in heaven? asked the man.

St. Peter replied, What, and ruin it for everyone else?

No Penis = No Problems
Bitchy?!? You aint seen NOTHING yet!
I Wont Screw *You*, Either
Help Wanted: Male interns
Hey, youd run, too, if *you* were Bill Clintons wife.
Hillary for Senate: Because Bubbas Alimony Just Aint Gonna Cut It
As Portrayed By Emma Thompson!
Building a Bridge Away From My Husband
Cmon — Just to Spite Ken Starr
Keeping It In My Pants Since 1973!
Well *I* Certainly Never Had Sex With That Woman, Miss Lewinsky

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogan…

I Got Your Senate Candidate Right Here!

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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.



Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?



The proud father answered, 10 pounds.



The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?



The proud Texas father said, Yup . . . just had him circumcised!

There is nothing so small that it cant be blown out of proportion.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.