Old and New Jokes

What would they have called the Beetles if they were [ethnic]?

Roaches.

We Americans, were a simple people… but piss us
off, and well bomb your cities.

–Robin Williams

…between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
A Scotsman says, Hey! McCloud! get off of me ewe!

Dear, said the wife. What would you do if I died?

Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you ask such
a question?

Would you remarry? persevered the wife.

No, of course not, dear, said the husband.

Do you not like being married? said the wife.

Of course I do, dear, he said.

Then why would you not remarry?

All right, said the husband, I would remarry.

You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

Yes, said the husband.

Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.

Well yes, I suppose I would, replied the husband.

I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes?

I suppose, if she wanted to, said the husband.

Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?

Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.

Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose you would let
her play with my golf clubs, too.

Of course not, dear, said the husband. She is left-handed.

Your mamma is like a bowling ball….. picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter. and she still comes back 4 more.

Q. What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?

A. Fake an orgasm.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The Its a Small World After All creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting Kill Clinton, kill Clinton.

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. Main Street Electrical Parade becomes Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade.

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A 12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 tins of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Red Man

6 cans of Spam

5 flannel shirts

4 big mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 huntin dawgs

and some parts to a Mustang GT.

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.