Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Dont trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.
We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we dont get our way we will not date anybody that aint blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise,
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)
A man who isnt qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, Yah, I know. Thats my way of getting rid of that pest!
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.
But tell me, what in the world happened to you?
Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.
As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!
Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldnt have helped!
1. Dont let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Mens Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by
Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogues new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours
Question: Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
Answer: She sucked as an intern!
What does an educated owl say?Whom.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.
MarÃa era la más sabrosona del pueblo, la que mejor lo meneaba, la que se los echaba a todos. Un dÃa llega a su casa y su mamá le cuenta que no hay nada que comer.
Tranquila, mamá ahorita salgo y consigo algo.
En lo que sale, ve venir a lo lejos al bobo del pueblo con tres gallinas y piensa:
Listo, a este idiota le quito las gallinas.
Se arregla el pelo, los pechos y se acerca al tipo:
Hola, ¿por qué no me regalas esas gallinas?
No, esas son mis gallinas.
MarÃa le insiste con voz dulce:
Anda, regálame las gallinas.
El bobo le replica:
No, esas son mis gallinas.
Ella sigue insistiendo hasta que el tipo le propone:
Bueno, si me dejas mamarte un seno te doy una gallina.
Indignada, la chica le contesta:
¡Estás loco! Por una gallina, no
Bueno, entonces me voy.
MarÃa al recordar a su familia cede:
Está bien, vamos a aquel árbol.
Se saca un seno y el sujeto comienza a chupar:
Much, much, much.
Después de eso, la joven se arriesga:
¿Por qué no me das otra gallina?
No, esas son mis gallinas.
Anda, dame otra gallina, insiste.
Bueno, si te dejas chupar otro seno.
Caramba, está bien, total ya me chupaste una.
MarÃa se saca el otro seno y el bobo:
Much, much, much.
Mientras el hombre estaba en lo suyo, MarÃa le dice:
Dame la otra gallina, ¿qué vas a hacer con una sola? ¡Anda!
Bueno, si te dejas chupar la cucha.
La mujer se queda pensando y acepta:
Está bien, vale.
Y el bobo empieza a chupar; MarÃa comienza a agitarse, a gemir y gritar. Toda excitada le suplica:
¡No aguanto, métemelo, bobo! ¡Métemeloooooo!
Si me das las tres gallinas.
Era un señor que su esposa siempre lo golpeaba. Como vivÃa en una vecindad todos oÃan los trancazos.
Un dÃa que llegaba del trabajo; le dijo un vecino: YA VECINO, todos oyen que su vieja le pega, no se deje, ¿qué a poco se va a dejar?
Y el le dice: No, pero es que mi vieja si está fuertota
Mire, le voy a dar un consejo, para guardar las apariencias… cuándo ella le esté pegando, grite fuerte como si el que la estuviera fregando fuera ustéd.
Ah, caray, ¿o sea que cuándo ella me pegue YO GRITO como si la estuviera madreando a ella?
Claro, asi todos creeran que ustéd es bien macho… de una vez hágalo, orita que va pá su casa…
Y ahà va el Señor y llega con su mujer que ya lo está esperando con el rodillo, y la mujer le suelta el primer madrazo y el grita:
¡ORALE POR HIJA DE TODA TU PUTA MADRE!
Y la señora toda sacada de onda le suelta otro fregadazo, y el señor otra vez:
¡TOMA PARA QUE SE TE QUITE LO CABRONA. YA NO TE AGUANTO PINCHE VIEJA PENDEJA!
La mujer no sabe que hacer ya del coraje y lo agarra y lo avienta por la ventana. Y el señor grita:
¡ES MÃS, YA ME VOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!
During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.
Thats it? said the exasperated neighbor. What if your father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?
Well… Joe replied, I suppose then Id be a Democrat like you.