Old and New Jokes

Q: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit??

A: Are you gonna eat that??

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare. They couldnt fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

My other wife is beautiful.

My opinions are my wifes, and she says Im lucky to have them.

I think we should really add to the confusion… Lets call in (Insert Your Favorite Group – Engineering/Financial…)

A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.

Why did Bill get into this problem?

He didnt know that harass was one word.

A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, Ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner.

A city councillor tries to argue against increased funding for womens shelters states:Im not against abused women. Im in favor of them 100 percent.

The following are answers given by students to exam questions on the Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan Of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

The seventh commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.

David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.