Old and New Jokes

To cut off a blondes ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.

Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying I dont know.

Business language explained

PhraseMeaning
We have to be more competitiveSay goodbye to salary increases
We must focus on our core businessWe cant find our butt with both hands
You are empoweredYou are the monarch of unimportant decisions
Were re-engineering your functionAdios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on
Training is essentialWere trying to hire some trained people
Were market drivenWe blame customers for our lack of innovation
We value employee inputWe think humor is important

You might be a redneck if…
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your momma so fat when she jumped in the ocean all the whales started singing we are family

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes – spic….spic….spic….nigga…nigga…nigga…nigga………chink!

Im really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!

Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But Im really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, shed shout, My husbands home! My husbands home!

What a gal I married!

And for everyone thats still single, some notes on marriage…

…Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

…Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

…Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.

…Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

…Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

…Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

Mikes grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Mike, Vat sims to be ze problem?

Mike says, Im not sure, but it doesnt go tick-tock-tick-tock anymore.

Now it just goes tick…tick…tick.

The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice…

Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age – consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants

At age 18, success is gettin a little

At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

At age 65, success is gettin a little

At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book

__ Television __ Divine Inspiration

__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience

__ Bible __ Other

__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery

__ Horoscope __ Television

__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers

__ Self-help books __ Sex

__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs

__ Mantras __ Other: ______________________________________

__ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Dont know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of Gods services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now Ive got tummy ache!