Old and New Jokes

My insomnia is so bad, I cant even sleep on the job.

Roses are red,Violets are blue,


God made me pretty,


What the hell happened to you?!

____________________University





To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________





I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:



______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.

______5. Ill lose my scholarship.

______6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

______mono ______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy

______VD ______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet) on my

(book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other___________________________________________________

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was

being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room

where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the

Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

Ah, said the doctor, Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that

you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.

Oh. said Her Majesty. Well, in that case I suppose its understandable.

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open

and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

Goodness Gracious! shrieked Her Majesty, I demand an explanation of

this kind of sordid goings- on!

Ah, said the Doctor, same problem – better health plan.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, One burger! Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. Thats the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen, the old lady says. Yeah? says the counterman. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sensual massage.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a robot voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will swipe your grub.

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog Dog.

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.

16. Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your astronaut training.

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for violating your airspace.

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a spider person.

26. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

You have all the Dukes of Hazzard episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the Dukes of Hazzard episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

That race was all about competition. – David Coleman, ITV

And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us. – Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: Whats the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? – BBC Radio 1

Marling – unbeaten in her three victories.

Peter OSullivan, BBC2 TV: Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: A church spire nestling among the trees…theres probably a church there too. – Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Why dont men get hemorrhoids?

Because they are all perfect assholes!