Old and New Jokes

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf.

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isnt that hard.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys.

You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.

You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would
be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been
the bad guys. Merde is French for shit.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

Okay sure. Ill be right back.

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

Why did you do that? asked the boyfriend.

She replies Because Im allergic to chocolate.

Estaban el Sol y la Luna en un eclipse, y el Sol comienza a molestarla diciéndole:

Luna, eres una puta, eres una puta, puta, puta, puta…

Ofendida, la Luna le cuestiona:

¿Por qué me dices eso?

Porque solamente sales de noche y andas de cuarto en cuarto: de cuarto menguante a cuarto creciente, en fin, no sales de un cuarto.

Más ofendida aún, la Luna murmura:

Me tengo que vengar. ¿Qué le diré? ¿Qué le diré?

Y pasan los años y se vuelven a encontrar en un eclipse esperado y le dice la Luna al Sol:

Oye Sol, eres un pendejo, pendejo, pendejo, pendejo, pendejo…

Oye, espera. ¿Por qué me dices eso?

Porque llevas miles de años calentando a la Tierra y nunca te la has cogido.

If you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

REHAB is for quitters

*** Pre-Mammogram Exercises! ***

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but theres no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test — and best of all — you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible — and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasnt effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

Ever notice how all of womens problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day – and when we have real trouble – its HISterectomy.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.



I need someone with an accounting degree, the man said.

But mainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.



Excuse me? the accountant said.



I worry about a lot of things, the man said. But I dont want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.



I see, the accountant said. And how much does the job pay?



Ill start you at eighty thousand.



Eighty thousand dollars! the accountant exclaimed. How can such a small business afford a sum like that?



That, the owner said, is your first worry.

Q:What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road?

A:Milk and Quackers

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner.

The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, This is matzoh ball soup.

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. Just have a taste. If you dont like it, you dont have to finish it.

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmmmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

That was delicious, he said. Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.