What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?

– Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?

Do you know why Mexicans eat refried beans?

– Have you ever heard of one doing something right the first time?

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.

Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. Thats why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.

Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.

When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks dont. Indeed, most female cooks dont even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.

Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.

There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. Thats how infuriating female cooks can be.

Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.

The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.

Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.

Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.

Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.

Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting youre lost will cast doubt on your manhood. Thats why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they arent lost.

There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.

This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You dont want people in the board room who dont shower each morning.

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

Hold it!, says Dummer.Why are you throwing all those nails away?

Because., says Dum. The heads are on the wrong end.

You dummy!, replies Dummer.

Those are for the other side of the house!

A quite sobered up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring
sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired he finally nods out hoping
no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at
the end of the sermon decides to make an example out of him.

Who in this room would like a place in heaven please stand up
he exclaims. The whole room stands up except of course for one. Obviously
displeased he now says loudly, and he who would like to find a place in hell
please STAND UP. The man catching only the last part, groggily stands up
only to find that hes the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed
he says, I dont know what were voting on here father but sure seems like
you and me are the only ones standing for it.

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

10. Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!
9. One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it
8. HONK if youve slept with Commander Riker!
7. Guns dont kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!
6. Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!
5. CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.
4. If you can read this…dont you think youre a wee bit too close?
3. Have you hugged a Ferengi today?
2. We brake for cubes!
1. Wesley On Board!
Best Bumper sticker on Borg ship:
Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Before Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest to see her granny, Mother warned her: There is a Wolf in the woods. Be careful and if you happen to meet him hide where you can.

So Little Red Riding Hood went through the forest. Suddenly she heard something move nearby. As she saw no place to hide she hid her face in her skirt.

As she wore no underpants, it was a magnificient view for a young hunter who appeared on the path. And he said to himself: Why not to make use of the opportunity that is offering to me?

And he began – you know what.

After a while Little Red Riding Hood dared to ask: Are you the Wolf? still hidding her face.

Of cource I am, answered the hunter.

And what are you doing? Are you eating me?

Yes, I am.

So go on, wolf. I like it very much.

What goes Vroom-screech, vroom-screech?

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal
intercourse?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come
from?

-Pete Ahrens
San Francisco, California