Old and New Jokes

Q: What do lesbians do on their period?

A: Finger Paint

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

————————————-

| Cheese Sandwich: $

1.50 |

| Chicken Sandwich: $

2.50 |

| Hand Job: $

10.00 |

————————————-

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the

bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes

serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

Yes? she inquires with a knowing smile, can I help you?

I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the

hand jobs?

Yes, she purrs, I am.

The man replies Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, You see, Doctor, while Ive been sitting here talking to you Ive broken wind five times, but theres no sound and no smell.

At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. Whats this? she asked, some pills?

No, replied the Doctor, that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in next week, and we will operate on your nose.

THE LAWS OF CARTOON PHYSICS

By Trevor Paquette and Lt. Justin D. Baldwin

Cartoon Law I: Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II: Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooges surcease.

Cartoon Law III: Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV: The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V: All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earths surface. A spooky noise or an adversarys signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI: As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a characters head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII: Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe loeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a walls surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX: For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Weight Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lloyd!
Lloyd who?
Lloyd a donkey to water but you cant make it drink!

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

Un hombre está ante la barra de un bar cuando ve entrar a una mujer más bien vulgar y muy maquillada. El hombre le hace señas para que se acerque.

No debería haberla llamado, amigo. ¡Esa es la zorra más jodida de todo el barrio!, le advierte el camarero.

Lo sé perfectamente. ¡Es mi mujer!, suspira el tipo.

Un borracho llega a un bar y pregunta por el servicio. El camarero le informa:

Al fondo a la izquierda, pero ten cuidado que se ha ido la luz y no se ve bie..

Total que va el beodo para el sanitario dando tumbos; al entrar, hay un negro orinando y, como no se veía nada, sin querer le coge el tema al hombre y éste, que se mosquea, lo coge y empieza a darle guantazos: boom, boom, como pelota de ping-pong, de un lado a otro.

Finalmente, el borrachín sale del servicio todo magullado y se topa con otro que va llegando que le pregunta:

Oye, ¿el servicio?

Al fondo a la izquierda, ¡pero ten cuidado que hay un cable pelado que pega unas sacudidas que no vea!

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you cant read this, its time to wash your car.

Sign in a realtors office: Lots for little.

Sign in a shoe store: Come in and have a fit.

Sign in a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.

Sign in a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.