Old and New Jokes

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!""Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him." [dramatic pause]"Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow arent they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "Thats so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why cant these guys play at night?"

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.



Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.



Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story, replied the Rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel

nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.



The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?



No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

Guys walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, Any flavored Ice Cream – $1. Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, I want pussy-flavored ice cream.

Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. Heres your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!

Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!

Clerk says, It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir.

Guy says, So why does it taste like shit?

Clerk says, Because, sir, youre taking too big of a lick.

A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He cant believe it and starts asking the doctor, What can I do?

The Doctor says that unfortunatley it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order.



There must be something! the man says. What about radiation, Chemotherapy….Im a tough guy!



The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left.



The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up. Doc, please. What about experimantal treatments? Im not leaving until you give me something!



At this point the doctor finally says, OK, if I were you Id take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath.



Now the guy really cant believe it. A mud bath? he says. If radiation wont work, chemo wont work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?



Well, replies the Doctor, It will get you used to dirt.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

If it works, dont fix it!

Advertising is just telling lies to attract shoplifters.

How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

Why did the toad cross the road?

TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!