A seven-year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why werent you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasnt too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they dont fuck around at those crematoriums.
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command (Jump!).
In a first stage of experiment he removed fleas leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?
The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red necks house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasnt easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
Why do Jews watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so thats one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”
Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
Its OK when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else,
because you ARE someone else.
You can dress up in your girlfriends clothes and no one will hassle you
like last time.
40 years from now, youll still enjoy candy.
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.
Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the next morning.
You can do the whole neighborhood!!!
TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME (WITH COMMENTARY)
#10- Tweety Bird- You know theres a problem when every single kid roots
for the hero to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids
like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the
bus, and got me in trouble.
#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And
he does so non-stop for a half an hour. Id rather watch Davey and
Goliath covet heir neighbors model airplane.
#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady
NOT worth fighting over? And thats what they did every episode! She
talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat.
Hey, Popeye, youre a sailor… you can do better! Plus Olive can
never decide if she wants to date that jerk Brutus or not. The girl is
just bad news.
#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porkys girlfriend? She was a real
zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come
on, who did they think theyre fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they
trying to cash in on the Joanie loves Chachi thing? And how come
every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and
thankfully shortlived- idea.
#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?
Lets take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk whos
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still,
hes French.
#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this Fred
clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew
Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me
tell you something… youre no Fred.
#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it?
Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! Form of… an idiot!
They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago.
Theres no room for dead weight in this game.
#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- Its like Hmmm, a miniature, green
spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isnt enough of a stretch.
I know! Lets give him a snotty London accent! Um, could I get a drug
test from Hanna Barbara, please?
#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined
Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of
Saturday morning cartoons. I cant even talk about it anymore. Its
too upsetting.