Old and New Jokes

This just in from News Service: A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.

(original source unknown)

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a Teach
Yourself Hebrew book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.

What are you reading that for? he shouts at her.

She replies, I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven.

The cop says, Well, how do know that its heaven that you are going
to?

The old women answers, Well, honestly I dont, but thats okay. I
already speak Russian.

Jeff Goldberg Internet: goldberg@russell.stanford.edu

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.

Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

• I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe

• Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

• Just remember … if the world didnt suck, wed all fall off.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, theres a 90% probability youll get it wrong.

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

• You cant have everything, where would you put it?

• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter since nobody listens.

• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Teacher To get to the other side.
Plato For the greater good.
Aristotle It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx It was a historical inevitability.
Timothy Leary Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Andersen Consulting Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with
the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of
its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with
Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage
in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market
message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Louis Farrakhan The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, Thou
shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
Fox Mulder You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road for you to believe it?
Richard M. Nixon The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID
NOT cross the road.
Machiavelli The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Jerry Seinfeld Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the
place anyway?
Freud The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual security.
Bill Gates I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 (with integrated
Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Oliver Stone The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather,
it is, Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our
haste to observe the chicken crossing?
Darwin Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
Einstein Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway To die. In the rain.
Colonel Saunders I missed one?

Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.

The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.

I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.

If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? Im a night owl.

Bitch set me up.

I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Wheres Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.

The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.

I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?

People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the presidents. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.

The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.

I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.

What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?

People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didnt break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!

I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.

Se encontraban dos Argentinos discutiendo:

¡Che te digo que yo soy el hijo de Dios!

¡No, no, no, mira… El hijo de Dios soy yo!

Pero… ¿cómo? ¿Vos estás loco? ¡Si el hijo de Dios soy yo!

Y siguieron asií por un buen rato hasta que pasó otro Argentino, al cual detuvieron y le preguntaron:

Mira, tenemos un dilema. El dice que es el hijo de Dios, pero no. Porque el hijo de Dios soy yo. ¿Vos que decís?

A lo que el otro Argentino respondió:

¡Che… Pero no me jodas… YO NO TENGO HIJOS!

Experiencias de un hombre en la vida

Cuando cumplí 14 años esperaba algún día tener una novia.

A los 16 tuve una novia, pero no había pasión. Entonces decidí que necesitaba una mujer apasionada, con ganas de vivir.

En la facultad salí con una mujer apasionada, pero era demasiado emocional. Todo era terrible, era la reina de los dramas, lloraba todo el tiempo y amenazaba con suicidarse. Entonces decidí que necesitaba una mujer estable.

Cuando tuve 25 años encontré una mujer muy estable, pero aburrida. Era totalmente predecible y nunca la excitaba nada. La vida se hizo tan plomiza que decidí que necesitaba una mujer más emocionante.

A los 28 encontré una mujer excitante, pero no pude seguir su ritmo. Iba de un lado a otro sin detenerse en nada. Hacía cosas impetuosas y coqueteaba con cualquiera que se le cruzara. Me hizo tan miserable como feliz. De entrada fue divertido y energizante, pero sin futuro. Entonces decidí buscar una mujer con alguna ambición.

Cuando llegué a los 31, encontré una chica inteligente, ambiciosa y con los pies sobre la tierra. Decidí casarme. Era tan ambiciosa que me pidió el divorcio y se quedó con todo lo que yo tenía.

Ahora, a los 40, me gustan las mujeres con tetas grandes. Y punto.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, Whatcha doing, Tim?

My goldfish died, replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. And Ive just buried him.



The neighbor was concerned. Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?



Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, Thats because hes inside your cat.

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said Youve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex. Jon decided to bend over.



Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.



The brown bear said, That was a huge mistake, Jon. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or well have rough sex. Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.



Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.



The grizzly bear said Admit it, Jon, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?