1. Its fireproof.
2. Hes probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Its probably just a rash.
5. Are you sure the power is off?
6. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
7. Pull the pin and count to what?
8. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
9. I wonder where the mother bear is.
10. Ive seen this done on TV.
11. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
12. Ill hold it and you light the fuse.
13. Let it down slowly.
14. Its strong enough for both of us.
15. This doesnt taste right.
16. I can make this light before it changes.
17. Nice doggie.
18. I can do that with my eyes closed.
19. Ive done this before.
20. What duck?
21. Well, weve made it this far.
22. Thats odd.
23. Dont be so superstitious.
24. Now watch this
25. Like I never heard that before.
There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.
Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?
I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.
Your hands? What do you mean?
Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!
One day ryan kent went over to his girl friends house to watch t.v. When Ryans girl frined got really close, he got some led in his pencil and got emberresed becouse his pants started to stick up. Now he was really embarresed because his girlfriend asked him what it was. He said that it was a banana he had been saving to eat. His girl friend said ok, but im hungry arent you, can i have a bit of the banana.Ryan said that it was a pencil and his girl friend said ok, but i need to finish some home work will you help me.So her and ryan went up stairs to do some homework.Then thay went up stairs and he pulled down his over alls and his girl friends eyes get big and she says holy shit thats the littlest thing ive ever seen. Then she slappes it and said i had to do some homework and eat a banana, not look at a little worm.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
An older woman is into free sex. An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so theres no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an jerk if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends (and theyll all want to sleep with you!). A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas.
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial for Pizza Hut take-out.
Saint Peter is doing his thing , minding the Gates of Heaven , when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.
He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come in and asks ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?
Three guys step foreward……… A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.
Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price ,with a breakdown.
First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. I think $
900.00 should do it he says. That would be $
300. for materials, $
300. for labor , and $300 for me Great ,says Peter
Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time ,pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence , in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art! The price…$3,
000. Ill need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit OK Thanks says Peter and now the Jew.
He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.
The price is $2,
900… Thats $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me , and we hire the colored guy!
A new bus driver was starting his route. It was a beautiful day, everything was going great – no problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, Big John doesnt pay! and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened -Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; whats more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, Big John doesnt pay!, the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, And why not?With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, Big John has a bus pass.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.