Old and New Jokes

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat……

He says Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here – try these on.

So, she did and said, These are too big, I cant wear them.

I replied, …exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

Hmmm, says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here try these on.

So she does and says, these are too large, they dont fit me.

Jack says, …exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I dont want you to ever forget that.

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, Here, you try on mine.

So he does and says, I cant get into your pants.

So Jill says, …exactly. And if you dont change your smartass attitude, you never will.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.

Ill take the lawyers heart, said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

It was easy, the patient replied. I wanted a heart that hadnt been used.

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sinks drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that Im getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not fish out my humans partial plate from the glass so that the dog can wear it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my kill.

I will not perch on my humans chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans bed while theyre trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my humans candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I dont have to act as if Ive just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play dead cat on the stairs while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my humans head repeatedly when shes on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesnt need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they werent laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vets office so they will start writing things in my records like Good Kitty and Sweet Kitty instead of the stuff thats there now like MEAN!! BITER!!! and GET HELP!!!!!

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isnt as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

77. Whenever youre on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

The woman called to her husband from the kitchen of the Texas ranch and said, Bruno, would you please get the car and drive the kids to the back yard so they can play?

In the days of the Old West, bar fights would often spill over into the street and before anyone knew what happened, it was a full-scale riot.

In one such town, the Mayor wired the Texas Rangers for help. On the next train, a Ranger gets off and is greeted by the astonished Mayor.

They only sent one Ranger???

The Ranger straightened his hat, brushed the dust from his coat, and replied, Yall only got one riot, right?

A Texan was dictating his will to his lawyer: To my son I leave the sum of five million dollars, and hes damn lucky I didnt cut him off entirely.

One day, little Frankie was outside when it started to rain. But the rain was different from the usual rain – this rain was a shiny green substance. Frankie laughed as it fell on him. He opened his mouth and caught it on his tongue. I will call it grooby!! he said. Frankie captured a jarful and brought it to his elementary school to show everyone. His friends were jealous and asked what it is. Frankie proudly said Its grooby! Later in class, Frankies teacher saw it and asked him what it is. Frankie said Its grooby! I named it! She laughed and went back to the chalkboard. Frankie took his jar of grooby to his science teacher. Look at my jar of grooby, Mr. Harris! Mr. Harris said, Frankie, you shouldnt call it grooby – you should call it nuclear waste. The nearby reactor had a leak causing nuclear acid rain. Frankie gasped. Mr. Harris asked, Frankie, you didnt happen to drink any did you? Frankie reluctantly nodded. Harris ended with, Frankie, Im afraid youre going to get cancer and die.

Jill, a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, do you mind telling me whose class youre cutting this time?

Like, the young teen replied, uh, see, okay, like its like, I really dont like, think like, thats really important, yknow, like because Im, yknow, like I dont get anything out of it.



Its Mrs. Dulls English class, isnt it? replied the smiling teacher.

You might be a redneck if…
You bring your dog to work with you.

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).

40% – Presents.
6% – Presents with no useful functions.
4% – Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% – Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% – Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% – Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% – T-shirts with writings on them.
21% – Decorations.
6% – Christmas tree (less if youre really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% – Christmas tree ornaments.
3% – Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because there werent enough hangers supplied with the ornaments).
1% – A new star for the top.
2% – Tinsel (which everyone will put on the tree incorrectly, starting a very bad … and possibly violent … family argument).
2% – Outdoor displays.
2% – Medical bills for injuries sustained while putting up outdoor displays.
1% – Fuses to replace those blown when turning on outdoor displays for the first time.
8% – Food and Drink.
1% – More eggnog than the entire Osmond family could even drink.
1.5% – Foods you would never buy any other time of the year (i.e. fruitcakes, mincemeat, etc.).
1% – Alcoholic beverages (triple this figure if you have relatives coming from out of town).
1% – Milk and cookies the kids make leave out for Santa.
1% – Candy canes that nobody ever eats.
2% – Turkey.
0.5% – Antacid.
9% – Entertainment.
1% – That new record you buy every year (even though you already have 27 hours of recorded Christmas music).
3% – Taking a bunch of kids to a really crummy G-rated movie about cute little animals.
5% – Extra trips to the local bar that you take to avoid those sickening TV Christmas Specials the networks keep throwing at you.
12% – Miscellaneous.
3% – Sickly-sweet Christmas Cards.
2% – Postage for same.
2% – Bonuses for people who dont even deserve them (like that louse paper boy).
0.5% – Candles.
0.5% – Plastic mistletoe.
2% – Money tossed into street-corner Santas buckets (although you dont really know what its for).
2% – Money for the collection plate for your once-a-year trip to church for Christmas Mass.
10% – Batteries.

* Too small an amount to be statistically significant.

Hi yall…muh name ids Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then theres my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesnt know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. Its hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

Thats the END OF MUH FAMEILY!