GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE AND waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss & when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment & despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with persons closest to you—that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; & let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 555-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; & reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, & whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive Him to be—Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, & urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.
— Tony Hendra
Net News – The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.
The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.
It has been christened the screen saviour……..
4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.
The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.
The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.
He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!
A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.
The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.
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A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, You have acute appendicitis.
The blond yelled at the doctor…
I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!
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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.
Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!
Q: How many Timothy McVeighs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If Mr. McVeigh is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite nicely.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, Im sorry, maam, but Im blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, Ill recognize it and be of more help. So she did just that.
After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, Thats the Johnson Model
9400. Itll be $40.00.
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, Thatll be fifty dollars.
Fifty dollars?!?! the woman exclaimed. You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!
Yes, I did, said the owner, But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
What is mass confusion in Harlem?
Fathers Day.