Old and New Jokes

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?

Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.

Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..

Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is?

I planed that surface down by me own achin back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…

Then the old man points out the window. Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?

I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. Ya screw one little goat . . .

Two hunters were out in the woods, and they were lost and one said I think were lost

the other one said shoot three times into the air and help will come. So they shot and shot until one said this doesnt seem to be working an dwere almost out of arrows.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye… It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought… Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real… Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive… On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?

He answers, I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business.

Very well, my son. Please follow me. He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door.

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a
tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this way.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself
back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.

Osama Bush Laden

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their hotel room and says to his wife, Notice anything different,
Bessie?

Bessie looks him over, Nope.

Sam says excitedly, Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?

Bessie looks again, Nope.

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,

Notice anything DIFFERENT?

Bessie looks up and says, Sam, whats different? Its hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again
tomorrow.

Furious, Sam! yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

To which Bessie replies, Shoulda bought a hat, Sam…….. Shoulda
bought a hat.

People were confused about which side to spit on .

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And theyre a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

El novio acompaña a su novia a la casa después de una salida. Cuando llegan a la entrada él, adoptando una posición ganadora, apoya una mano en la pared y le dice:

Mi amor, ¿por qué no me chupás la pija?

¿Acá? ¡Vos estás loco!

Dale, rapidito, no pasa nada.

¡No! Puede aparecer alguno de mi familia o algún vecino y reconocerme.

Pero es un ratito nada más, a esta hora no viene nadie.

¡Te dije que no, no y no!

Dale, si a vos te gusta, una chupadita nada más.

¡No!

Dale, no seas así.

En ese momento aparece la hermana de la chica, en camisón y toda despeinada, avisándole:

Dice papá que se la chupes, y si no, que se la chupe yo, y si no, dice que baja él y se la chupa, pero que por favor levante la mano del portero eléctrico que son las 3:30 a.m.

A father and his little boy went to church. The sermon was on the long
side and the boy fell asleep.

This particular priest hated people going to sleep during his sermons.
When ever someone appeared to be sleeping the priest would ask them a
question to make sure they were paying attention.

When the priest noticed the boy sleeping, he went over and asked the boy
Who is the ruler of the world?

The boys father jabbed the boy with a pen to wake him up. The boy felt
the jab, opened his eyes and exclaimed God!.

The priest said correct, and continued on with his sermon. Sure enough
the boy fell back asleep. This time the priest asked Who is the Son of
God?

Again the father jabbed the boy with a pen, and he opened his eyes and
said Jesus Christ!. The priest thanked the boy and continued on with his
sermon.

When the boy fell asleep the third time, the priest, livid with anger asked
a much harder question Ok, smartass, What did Eve declare to Adam after
their tenth child?

The boy was sound asleep, and the father had to poke him quite hard to wake
him. The boy yelled If you stick that thing in me one more time, Im
gonna break it in half!!

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?