Creativity is no substitute for knowing what youre doing.
01
Nov
01
Nov
Familiarity breeds children.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
01
Nov
What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
A self cleaning coven!
01
Nov
You might be a redneck if…
Your dog cant watch you eat without gagging.
01
Nov
Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this aint no ordinary blow-job…
Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar?
A: He couldnt blow the safe do he went down on the elevator…
Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view…
Q: Why are eggs so frusterated?
A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and youve gotta boil them to get them hard…
Q: Where do you get virgin wool?
A: From ugly sheep…
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I dont know how big this thing gets…
Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
A: He had to learn how to read ilps…
Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: Youd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead…
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Cause they dont know the words…
Q: Where are an elephants sex organs?
A: In his feet- if he steps on you youre fucked…
Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: If she farts, her ankles will swell…
Q: Whats the ulitmate rejection?
A: When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep…
Q: How do you know when an elephants been fucking in your garage?
A: Your Hefty bags are missing…
01
Nov
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money!
31
Oct
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
31
Oct
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, What is your sin?
I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel.
The Pope replied, Kneel down. Ill bless you and grant you absolution.
Next in line was Bill Clinton. What was your sin, son?
I cheated on my wife. The Philanderer in Chief replied.
Kneel down, my son. Ill bless you and grant you absolution.
A third person came up and the Pope asked, What is your name?
Monica Lewinsky. The Pope stroked his chin. Hmmmm….. Perhaps you should remain standing.
31
Oct
THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that dont have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, ACCESS THE SECRET FILES on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. (See Fortress.)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer even if its turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
14. You may bypass PERMISSION DENIED message by using the OVERRIDE function. (See Demolition Man.)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See Clear and Present Danger).
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See Independence Day.)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See Aliens.)
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the SELF-DESTRUCT button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See Alien or 2001.)
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like file and computer and 3 results are returned.)
31
Oct
Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?
So men can understand them!