Old and New Jokes

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boys mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, Listen son, dont go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, theyve got teeth down there.

The boy listened intently to his fathers advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his fathers advice and shies away.

Whats wrong? she asks. Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there replied the young man.

Of course we havent got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and hes poking around, examining the ladys most private parts.

Hmmmm. I dont see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.

Jaimito entra en el baño sin llamar y se encuentra a su madre desnuda:

Anda, ¿qué es esto, mamá?

Nada hijo, que de pequeña me dieron un hachazo.

¡Pues te dieron en todo el coño!

Un tío llega a un Hotel, y le pregunta al recepcionista:

¿Tiene habitaciones libres?.

La única que me queda tiene que ser para un levantador de pesas.

¿Por qué?, responde el tío.

Porque tiene que sujetar con las manos la litera en la que duerme su compañero!

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first: I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.

The second: I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!

The third (who was looking pretty smug): I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I havent seen them since.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?

Q: Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says Look at that dog with one eye! The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says Where?

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk? A. Boo-bees!

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner."Well," said the chaffeur, "Ive got a good idea. Why dont I give the speech since Ive heard it so many times? So Alberts chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldnt answer"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that Ill let my chauffeur answer it!"

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?

A: It scares the heck out of the dog