Old and New Jokes

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women dont keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place."So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, hows it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or Ill sue."Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lawyers dont change bulbs. Now if youre looking for someone to really screw a bulb…

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doin all this drinking.

Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I only have a dollar.

Estaban dos policías motorizados a la orilla de la carretera, y le dice uno al otro. Mira compañero ahí viene la tonta del 600 como todos los días, ¿qué te parece si nos reímos un rato?, a lo que el compañero contesto afirmativamente.

Por lo que se dispusieron a parar el coche. La tonta que ve al policía mano en alto, paró junto a ellos y uno de los policías le dijo:

Deme el permiso de conducir, a lo que la tonta contesto: ¿Otabe?, ¿otabe e pemiso?, ¿aye e pemiso y hoy otabe e pemiso?

El policía le dice, enséñeme los papeles del vehículo, a lo que la tonta responde: ¿Otabe otabe o papele?, ¿aye o papele y hoy otabe o papele?

El policía insiste deme el seguro del vehículo, y la tonta les responde: ¿ Otabe e seguro aye e seguro y hoy otabe?

En esta el policía se empieza a bajar la cremallera de la bragueta y la tonta que lo ve le dice:

¿Otabe, otabe la prueba de alcohol?, aye la pueba del alcohol y hoy otabe?

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

Harveys grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, Vat sims to be ze problem?

Harvey says, Im not sure, but it doesnt go tick-tocktick -tock anymore. Now it just goes tick…tick…tick.

The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!

A man goes to his doctor and says, ?I don?t think my wife?s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?? The doctor replies, ?Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn?t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.? The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, ?What?s for dinner, honey?? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, ?Honey, what?s for supper?? She screams, ?For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!?