I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better
Dont hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.
Knock knock.
– Whos there?
Owls.
– Owls who?
Thats right! Owls hoo!
Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name Mount and Do.
Pepsis proposed ad campaign suggests:
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, Well, ya know, Bush is a Post Turtle.
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, When youre driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, thats a Post Turtle.
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctors face, so he continued to explain:
You know he didnt get there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down.
This space for rent.
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, What trip?
What is Bills definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.
Clinton said that his relationship with Monica was inappropriate, in fact
it was wrong.
Whats the difference between inappropriate and wrong. Well,
inappropriate is like wearing black shoes with brown pants. Wrong is
wearing black shoes and no pants.
This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before
beginning.
Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty
pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your
Internet Service Provider (GOD).
If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list,
you will need to find the mailhost. This is a machine usually located in a
locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of
diskettes with that days mail messages, including yours from this list, to this
machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the mailhost. The
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best,
fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys dont
want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer
(you did get all the tools needed?).
find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the
switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic
switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic
switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not
deliver the diskettes with the messages to the mailhost not unlike the little
red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.
You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should
happen, you will need to disable the mailhost once again with more forceful
measures. Repeat Step #2. Dont be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place
than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the Have
Key clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer
equipment.
After you have once again regained entry into the mailhost room, open
up the back of the mailhost. There may be a large tv-like device on top of the
mailhost You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut
any cables binding the tv-like device to the mailhost. Set the tv-like device
to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can
find on the mailhost. Once this is done, the mailhost should break away into
two or more pieces.
Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked
with the following labels: Danger, High Voltage, Do not open – no
user-servicable parts. Dont worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy
OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of
saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have.
Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to
properly soak each and every component.
In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion),
douse any flames with the sani-wipes. This solution is provided without
warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death,
contact a physician immediately.