Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bacon!
Bacon who?
Bacon a cake for your birthday!

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked.The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. Ill have two regular, two black, and two decaf.

If your favorite color is:

RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!

YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No dont panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partners desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.

PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone elses gratification.

BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.

GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity – but because they secretly hate men.

A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.

ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partners hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.

BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They cant say I Love You often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They cant get excited about anything – including colors – so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). Its wham, bam, thank you maam. Women who prefer Gray dont make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the colors infidelity a blessing.

BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate – never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, You know, youve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why dont you go home and take a long hot bath?

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List Hiring Practices
Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on The X-Files is Not Real
Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense)
Why Pork Chops Are Shaped Like South America Dept.
Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.)
Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms
Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Monster Trucks, Body Piercing and Jerry Springer
Department of Annexation: Because those darned Canadians cant hold out forever.
Department of Empty Public Gestures
Th. Off. Govt Dept. o. Abbrv.
Federal Mime Protection Program
Department of Internet Security and Censo … **NO CARRIER**
and my favourite unknown government department:
Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propagation Of Long Acronyms (CRAPOLA)

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.

Judge: Well, what have you to say in your defense?

Boy: Only that Im sorry your honor.

Judge: Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately.

Boy: But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!

Judge: Consider yourself lucky! – It could have been life boy.

One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting. When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, Dear Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make this bear a Christian. And at that instant…the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said, Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!

With his wife eight and a half months pregnant, the husband dacides to sleep on a cot to avoid temptation. Seeing her husbands eyes filled with hopeless desire, the woman reached into the nightstand, took out $50 and said, Honey, take this and go to the woman next door. Shell let you sleep with her.
Afraid she would change her mind, the man grabbed the money and quickly left. A few minutes later he returned, handed the money back and slunk dejectedly to the cot. She said she wants $60, he explained.
That bitch! his wife shouted. When she was pregnant I charged her husband only $50!