Young person to preacher, REPENT??!! I havent even pented yet!!
Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshipped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over mole hills.
While praising the optimist who created the airplane, let us not forget the pessimist who made the parachute!
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
Always forgive your enemies – it aggravates the heck out of them!
Confidence is painting the ceiling after installing the new carpet.
You cant turn back the clock. But you sure can wind it up again.
PATIENCE is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you, but NOT in the one ahead of you.
How proper are the English? Their lifeguards give handshake to handshake resuscitation.
There was a time when anyone spending $100 for sneakers was stocking a shoe store.
Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
No, said the Indian.
It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.
Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..
NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!
And here are my qualifications for you to overlook …
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldnt work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
Im a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricachón. Al llegar, ven un cartel de Cuidado con el perro.
Vámonos, que aquà hay perro.
Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones.
Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parabólica. Regresa, aún más asustado, con Venancio:
¡Vámonos, vámonos!
¿Has visto al perro?
No, pero sà el plato en el que come.
This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives hes greeted by the Official Hell Tour Guide who proceeds to show him around.
Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, say, do you smoke?
The newly dead responds Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, Im a real connoisseur of tobacco.
The guide responds with, Well youre gonna LOVE Sundays! Well have fine cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco…
Hells latest addition is starting to think hey this wont be so bad after all when the guide says so do you drink?
I love drinking, he responds, my favorite pastime!
Well youre gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons, Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the brewery… Our man is really excited now.
Oh by the way, says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic stupor, Are you gay?
What! How dare you! Of course not!, he replies visibly shaken.
Well youre gonna HATE Tuesdays…
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and well talk about it.
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied the Torah diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!
The young man waited a moment and replied, You know, Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair…. To which the Rabbi replied, Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, Youre right,that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.
En un manicomio la enfermera entra a un cuarto y ve a un paciente actuando como si conduciera un auto.
La enfermera le pregunta, Pedro, ¿qué estas haciendo? Y Pedro responde, ¡Manejando a Mérida! La enfermera le desea buen viaje y sale.
Al dÃa siguiente, la enfermera entra al cuarto de Pedro justo cuando el para de conducir su auto imaginario y le pregunta, Bueno, Pedro, ¿qué haces? Pedro responde, Acabo de llegar a Mérida.
La enfermera sale y va al cuarto de Manolo y lo encuentra sentado en su cama masturbándose.
Sorprendida, le pregunta, Manolo, ¿qué estás haciendo? Manolo responde, ¡Estoy haciendo el amor con la esposa de Pedro mientras él está en Mérida!
Why dont mexicans have checking accounts?
Because its too hard to sign checks with a spray can.
Boss asks secretary Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?
No, says the secretary.
Great, Lets do lunch. the boss says.