A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. As she got to one little girl who was working very diligently, she asked what the little girl was drawing. The little girl replied, Im drawing God.
The teacher paused awkwardly and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, They will in a minute.
What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?
A:> A MegasaurASS
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at
the counter. Bartender says, You cant bring that dog in here!
Man says, But this is a Seeing Eye dog! Bartender says Well, OK,
then I guess it can stay.
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As
theyre going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming
in. First man says, The bartender wont like you bringing that dog
in here, but just tell him its a Seeing Eye dog and then itll be
OK. Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks
a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says, Hey! You cant bring that Chihuahua in here! Man
stares straight ahead and exclaims What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!
Two gay men{ Bobby and Peter) wre walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men (Peter) just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs Peter, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.
The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?
AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Beezer!
Beezer who?
Beezer black and yellow and make honey!
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and thats what they did last year.
What do you call two Mexican in a shoe box?
A pair of brown loafers.
There were two beggers sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a loverly day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggers, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of david got nothing.
One morning a high priest walked by the beggers and said the the begger with the star of david my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of david, infact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you…
The begger with the star of david, turned the the begger with the cross and said hey, moshe, this shmuck is trying to teach the cohen brothers about marketing
One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..
The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in a
kayak.
The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her Why is she in a
boat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!
And the Blonde replied… Want me to swim out and tell her?