Old and New Jokes

This joke was told by a woman (didnt get her name) from the West
Virginia Bankers Association during Comedy Night at Robbys (a local
night club) in Huntington West Virginia:

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she
noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered
that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She
decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not
quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around
this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top
of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to
also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When
she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her
left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left
hip. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the penny… hit
the penny… Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and
stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She
talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that
she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung
down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she
walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny
and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her
head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the nickel… hit the
penny… hit the nickel… Just as predicted, the man stopped her and
asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she
wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he
suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her
head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string
was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving
her hips again. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the penny… hit the nickel… hit the
dime… That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to
marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to
worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well
versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and
this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the
top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private
parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new
husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly
married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the
bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. Hit the penny…
hit the nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… hit the penny… hit
the nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter…

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started
moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… Oh, forget the small
change… hit the quarter… hit the quarter… hit the quarter…

Bob Boag

A golden retriever

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

She takes off her top and says,

Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.

Dolly is outraged. She screams,

What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene

act, and gets in, and I dont?!!!

Sorry, Dolly, says St. Peter,

But a royal flush beats a pair any day.

5.) No one but their creator understand their internal logic.

4.) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.) The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.) The message Bad command or filename is about as informative as If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.

1.) As soon as you make the commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

What goes errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh? A blonde at a

blinking red light!

Father Oleary and Rabbi Goldberg played chess each Wednesday in the park. The chess game usually included religious discussion and debate. This week the discussion turned to religious sins.

Rabbi Goldberg said, In my religion it is forbidden to eat ham but I tried it once, just once, before I became a Rabbi.

Not to be outdone, Father Oleary admitted, During seminary this beautiful young girl tempted me and I yielded to the lust of the flesh and had sex.

Across the chess board, the old Rabbi grinned, and with a chuckle said, Better than ham, aint it?

KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. At your service, comrade colonel.

Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog.

Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.

Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but Im affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired theyll make your heart dog-food.

Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.

The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofievs office: Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.

Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?

Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself.

And this is for a bonus:

The Annual Bartenders Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.

This is my first post to HUMOR mailing list. Hope you enjoy

A cowboy was captured by some Indians, and, upon his capture, the chief of the tribe explained the rules: You have 3 days before you are killed. Each day you get one wish, but, on the third day you will die.

After this proclamation of promise, the chief asks the cowboy his first desire, but the cowboy says he must talk to his horse first. The chief grants the request, and the cowboy whispers into the horses ear and sends him galloping off.

At sunset, the trusty steed returns with a voluptuous, naked brunette. The cowboy helps the woman from the horses back, takes her into his wigwam and makes love to her all night long.

On the second day, the chief says to the cowboy, This is second day. What is second wish? The cowboy, once again, requests a conference with his horse, and, once again, the horse rides off from the Indian camp. At sunset, the animal returns with a voluptuous, naked red-head. As before, the cowboy takes the woman into his quarters and makes love to her all night long.

On the third day of captivity, the chief goes to the cowboy and says, This is your last day of life. What is last wish before you die?

AGAIN, the cowboy requests to speak with his horse, but, this time, the cowboy does not whisper in the equestrian ear. He grabs the harness and gets nose-to-nose with the horse and screams, THIS TIME BRING THE POSEE!!!!

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.

As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, Okay, everybody, were going to rape all the men and rob all the women!

Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, ah, Jessie, dont you mean were going to rob all the men and rape all the women?

With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says…

Listen, you heard Jessie…hes the boss!