Old and New Jokes

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?

Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them!

Did you hear about Oles cross-eyed teacher.

She had trouble keeping her pupils straight.

Ole said, My wife just left me for my best friend.

Ole, Sven said compassionately, you poor man.

Sven, I will sure miss that guy.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didnt say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and hes still a bit funny and Im trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether its me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know Im not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I dont know what the hell that means, because you know he doesnt say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place Im wondering if hes going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say Im going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just dont know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think hes met someone else?

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

(Baseball humor, for those out there who are Non-Cub fans.)

In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Since then:

1. Radio was invented.
   
2. Four states were admitted to the Union.
   
3. The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
   
4. Television was invented.
   
5. The U.S. went through the Great Depression.
   
6. The U.S. participated in two world wars and two major armed
   conflicts, Korea and Vietnam.
   
7. The NFL was founded.
   
8. Man landed on the moon.
   
9. Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed.
   
10. Harry Carey was born.
    
11. Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball park
    in the National League.
    
12. Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of
    holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been replaced
    without ever holding a pennant.
    
13. Lights were installed at twenty-five major league baseball
    stadiums–except Wrigley Field.
    
14. Ten teams were added to the major leagues.
    
15. Halleys Comet passed the earth twice.
    
16. Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball for
    the Cubs, retired and died of old age.
    

[Ed: Clearly item 13 dates the list.]

Ed Nieters
Purdue University

The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?)
once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.

So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, Ok. Prove that
youre the Pope.

He thought for a while and proclaimed, I am one. The Pope
is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one.

— Donald

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay…

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctors office.



After a full examination, the doc tells the guy its one of two things.



The Doc says, Well, its either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.



What do you mean! The guy says, Cant you tell the difference?



Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – dont have sex with her anymore!

Nixon: Watergate

Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war

Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore



Nixon: Carpet bombing

Clinton: Carpet burns



Nixon: Vice President: Greek

Clinton: Vice President: Geek



Nixon: Couldnt stop Kissinger

Clinton: Couldnt stop kissing her.



Nixon: Known as tricky Dick

Clinton: no difference



Nixon: Ex-president

Clinton: Sex President



…and my #1 favorite:



Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.

Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.