Old and New Jokes

For your new first name:

Take the first 3 letters of your first name,
add a hyphen -, and
add the first two letters of your last name.

For your new last name:

Take the first 2 letters of your mums maiden name, and
add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

To determine your Star Wars honorific title:

Take the last 3 letters of your last name, and reverse them,
add the name of the first car you drove,
insert the word of, and
tack on the name of the last medication you took.

Voilá! You now have your Star Wars name!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. However, he did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? I sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!

One day, a couple was walking along the beach and fighting. Then the man got mad and kicked a bottle. Out of it came a genie. The genie said You each get 1 wish and because the man kicked the bottle, you get to make a second wish, but your wife gets the same thing as you wish for. So the woman made her first wish. I wish that I had 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! she got her money. then the man made his wish. I wish for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. POOF!!! he got his money. Finally, he had to make his wish for the both of them. He didnt really like his wife so he had to make it bad for her. Hmmmm. he thought for a moment then he said. I wish I can have sex with the prettiest woman non-stop for 50 years. POOF!!! He was in a bes, having sex with a lady – and so was his wife

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.

Why Did Snoop Dogg Carry an Umbrella????

Fo Drizzal

This guy was walking in town and he walks by a sign that said Climb The Ladder To Success, Only $2.

So he said I will do it.

So, he climbs the ladder and part way up he sees a hot girl and says Maybe they will get hotter as I get further.

So he climbs higher and he sees a hotter girl and says the same thing.

He sees another hot girl and says I will go higher.

So he goes higher and he sees a big fat hairy biker and the biker says Hi, Im Sess.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.

8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.

7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.

4. If youre getting serious, consider a set of his n her system unit keys.

3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.

2. Never type on your dates laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.

1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, Yeah, whatever.

…I got a Its for you loser wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

…three people began helping me write a desk manual for my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on me.