Old and New Jokes

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven – two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayors driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electricians job to screw in lightbulbs.

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You cant board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, Just once.

7. No movie. Dont need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no quería ser culo, así que hablo con el Supremo:

Ya no quiero ser un culo, pidió.

Pero, ¿por qué no quieres ser un culo?

Es que soy la cosa más miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de mí. No, ya no quiero ser un culo, se queja.

Entonces, ¿qué quieres ser?

Yo quisiera ser un pajarito.

Y, zas, el Altísimo lo convierte en pájaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un árbol, como lo hacen todos los pájaros, llega otro pájaro que lo saluda:

Hola, culito.

No soy culito, reclama.

Eres un culo, insiste el ave.

No, que no soy.

Entonces, ¿qué eres?

Pues soy un pajarito.

A ver, canta.

Y comienza a cantar:

Prprprprprpr.

Lo hecho en Mexico… está bien Hecho sólo en Mexico.

Sólo en Mexico… Una pizza puede llegar más pronto a tu casa que una ambulancia.

Sólo en Mexico… En un restaurant la gente ordena sopes, gorditas, quesadillas, hamburguersas y… refresco de dieta.

Sólo en Mexico… Las filas en las cajas rápidas del supermercado son las más lentas.

Sólo en Mexico… Es más facil ser asaltado que conseguir trabajo.

Sólo en Mexico… Los indígenas hablan inglés, francés, italiano… y no entienden una pizca de español.

Sólo en Mexico… Es más fácil encontrar un expendio de cervezas que un policía.

Sólo en Mexico… Decir estupideces en TV te puede convertir en el mejor conductor.

Sólo en Mexico…. Las cárceles están llenas al tope por un asesinato, pero no está el que lo cometió.

Sólo en Mexico… Una cara bonita puede destrozarte los tímpanos, Sólo porque decidió entrarle a la cantada.

Sólo en Mexico… El burro más burro y más inepto puede ganar más que tu, tener mejor trabajo que el tuyo, mejor casa, mejor carro y mejor vieja.

Sólo en Mexico… ¡VIVA MEXICO CAB..NES!

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb

The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.



With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.



Canadium Eh

Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.



Innofensium Pc

Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.



Newtium

Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.



Quaylium Vp

Einsteinium it aint.



Budweisium Ps

Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.



Cabmium Cb

Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.



Politicium Po

Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.



Congress Cg

Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.



Snot Sn

Bonds forever with corduroy.

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:



How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!



I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???



There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???



Bills quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper…Who is this???

Did you hear about the constipated accountant who tried to work it out with a pencil?

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up

I showed up early and decided I just didnt feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.

My dog died.

My neighbors bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.

I figured that probably wasnt your real picture, so I didnt bother coming over.

I overslept.

I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.

I know I said Id be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.

I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.

Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I cant date you any more, but Id still like us to be friends.

My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.

And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.

Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?

Im marrying a Russet!

A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride. Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother, I too, have anannouncement.

And what might that be? asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!

You, too!Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?

Im marrying an Idaho, beamed the middle daughter.

An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.

Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!

Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?

Im marrying Dan Rather!

Dan Rather?!

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!

Cuenta una joven que, en una noche borrascosa, en medio de una travesía en el Pacífico, estaba ella en su camarote desvistiéndose para acostarse, cuando le sobrevino un terrible mareo. Temiendo lo peor, salió al pasillo y corrió a toda prisa en busca del sanitario cuando, de improviso, se tropezó con un señor de edad en el mismo estado lastimoso que ella. Horrorizada, dio un grito, pues sólo entonces comprendió que sin darse cuenta, se había salido del camarote tal como Dios la trajo al mundo.

No se preocupe usted por mí, señorita. ¡De ésta no saldré con vida para contar lo que he visto!, le dijo el caballero, abriendo los ojos en demasía y llevándose las manos al corazón.