Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, Boy, business sucks. If I dont sell more cars this month, Im going to lose my fucking ass.
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
Thats okay, the blonde replied, If I dont sell more ass this month, Im going to lose my fucking car.
How can you tell if a Japanese person has been in your house?
Your math homework is done, your computer runs faster, and some rice is cooking on the stove.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Clare!
Clare who?
Clare your throat before you speak!
By Bill Adler
A Teenager is…
A person who cant remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but cant make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her drivers license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesnt have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet. A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says not yet.
Finally they say, When can we see the baby!?
And the mother says, Youll have to wait until the baby cries. And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?
The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it!
Kick his sister in the chin.
Congratulations on your wedding day ! Too bad no one likes your Wife. How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby? Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, Ive changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
Hell til I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that youre not here to
ruin it for me. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister. As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me.
Like the need for therapy… Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. Happy Birthday ! You look great for your age…… Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said youd die for me. Now that
weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys. Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday– so
were having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! ( available only in Kentucky ) Sis, arent we proud of our baby? ( available only in Arkansas )
(as submitted to www.dilbert.com)
I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to pack, then take two 70-pound boxes along to the airport. I checked them in, then sat on the plane for an hour before takeoff. Just after we were in the air, I realized that I left my car in front of the airport doors (loading zone).
I work for a TV news network. A co-worker left keys in our van at the airport. The van and $200,000 worth of equipment mysteriously vanished.
Flew to Hartford, arrived midnight. Rental car not reserved. Took a cab to hotel, room not reserved. Went to client next day. They were expecting someone else. My Pointy-Haired Boss had sent me by mistake. Flew home.
Trip to Microsoft labs in Redmond WA. Travel booked to Redmond Oregon, middle of nowhere. No car, no hotel, no MS lab!
When arriving at our hotel in Miami, PHB informs me that he has booked only one room for both of us. He says its more cost effective that way.
The maid set off the fire sprinkler in my hotel room while I was out. Luckily I had a watertight suitcase. Too bad Id left it open – I came back to find my only suit floating in 6 feet of filthy water.
I went to L.A. from D.C. for an ultra-critical customer demo. The Pointy-Haired Marketing Idiot checked equipment as baggage because its heavy. It went to Des Moines. It showed up three days late after having been impaled on a forklift.
Believing our shipping dept – they said that my parts would be onsite in another city.
I backed-up the car on my laptop in the customers parking lot.
PHB to Coworker: Okay, hand me the presentation.
Coworker to me: Um, I dont have it. Do you have it?
Me to PHB: No. Do you have it?
PHB: Oh, no. Its on my desk. (In Omaha – were in Miami.)
Two co-workers of mine were crossing the US-Mexico border (legitimately) with their rental car. The border police chased them down. Apparently, they had rented a car that had previously been used to smuggle drugs across the border…
On a trip to Toronto from the U.S., my boss had a problem with his ticket while boarding the plane. He turned to me and said, Boy, whats a terrorist have to do to get out of the country nowadays?
Taking a customer for a meal, I found my company credit card was cancelled. The customer paid for the meal. There was no answer at the company phone the next day. Yep, the company had been seized and the slime-ball PHB didnt let on when he saw me off.
The CEO wrote checks to cover conference attendance for everyone. Then he spent the money out from under the checks and they bounced. Now the organizers are suing the individual attendees.
The travel agent (assigned by company) had me fly to Cleveland when my destination was 10 minutes outside of Toledo. I flew 90 minutes and spent four hours in the car both ways. Toledo is only 3 1/2 hours from my house.
Your flight got grounded in a blizzard in Montreal and your bags went to Bermuda.
I wound up sitting next to the PHB on a long flight. He proceeded to read (AT) me our entire report, which I had helped prepare, at the top of his lungs.
I agreed to meet a potential employer on a flight to a convention that we were both attending so he could interview me on the way. I didnt realize that my PHB decided to go at the last minute and was seated one row behind us!
I flew to Texas for a job interview. When I arrived, a hurricane was raging in the Gulf. At my motel, there was a palm tree in the pool and the concierge was relocating everyone on the first floor to the second floor due to flooding.
Biggest disaster for my boss: The client I was meeting with offered me a job with much more money. I called in my resignation after three days in the hotel at company expense.
Dilbert©1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cologne!
Cologne who?
Cologne me names wont help!