Old and New Jokes

Your momma is so stupid . . .

She wears a wig with a chin strap.

His parents had just moved to town, and it was his first day in first
grade at the new school. He was really nervous, but he didnt do so badly,
he learned to count to 50, when most of the other kids could
only count to 30, (some kids got to 35, but our boy got all the way to 50
and only missed a couple of numbers)

Our hero was so excited, that when he got home he told his dad
how well he had done in school. His dad said Son, you did so well
becuase youre an [ethnic].

The next day the kids learned the alphabet in school. Most of th ekids got
as far as M or Q, but our hero got all the way to Z, and only missed
a couple of letters.

That evening, bursting with pride, he told his dad how he had done better
than all the other students
on the alphabet. His dad said Son, you did so well
becuase youre an [ethnic].

The next day, in gym class, our hero notced that he was a bit more
developed than any of the other boys. That night he asked his dad
if was bigger than the other boys because he was an [ethnic]?

No, son, his dad told him, Youre bigger than the other boy becuase
youre eighteen.

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet…

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A fur coat that fangs around your neck…

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

Q: Whats the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

Q: What goes, clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang! clippity clop, clippity clop?

A: A drive by shooting in an amish neighborhood!

I was at the butchers shop the other day when he said, Ill give you those pieces of meat, the ones up there hanging off the ceiling, if you can jump up and touch them.

I said, No way. The steaks are too high.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.