Old and New Jokes

What do you call a pair of skunks that are 69ing?

OdorEaters!!!

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?

He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?


A: The Wheelchair!

Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

I posted this a year ago, but the time is right to revive it. If I get some hate mail Ill turn it into an annual event!

The Cole family had a great Christmas this year, even though our Dinner didnt include our traditional Christmas Swan. I missed watching the kids fight over neck.

We did have an Endangered Species Awareness dinner. For hors doevres before dinner we had lightly grilled Snail Darters. The first course was a delectably light Spotted Owl consomme. The main course was a Californis Condor stuffed with baby seal. My mom knows that baby seals lose a lot of their flavor and vitamins if they are shot and not properly clubbed. Best of all, this year I got to OJ the bird.

My nephew was thrilled with his present. I gave him a Milli Vanilli doll. You press the button and Teddy Ruxbin Sings.

• We need = I want
• Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = Youll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure… go ahead = I dont want you to.
• Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron.
• Youre … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting! = Im on my period.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains… = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
• I need wedding shoes. = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.
• Ill be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = (Too late. Youre dead.)
• Yes. = No.
• No. = No.
• Maybe. = No.
• Im sorry. = Youll be sorry.
• Do you like this recipe? = Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.
• Was that the baby ? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

An answer to question: Whats wrong?

• The same old thing. = Nothing.
• Nothing. = Everything.
• Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really. = Youre such an asshole!
• I dont want to talk about it. = Im not ready to yell at you yet.

Source unknown.

This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal,
the priest cant help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if
theres more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye.
Reading the young priests thoughts, the bishop volunteers, I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says,
Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, Ive been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he
took it, do you?

The bishop says, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write him a letter just to
be sure. So he sits down and writes: Dear Father, Im not saying that
you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did
not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest,
which reads: Your Excellency, Im not saying that you do sleep with
your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

What is Bill Clintons Second favorite movie?

Octopussy