The normal way, if the British find they have a language problem with foreigners, is to just talk a bit LOUDER and hope that they understand it.
This guy was having the problems and he was shouting at this poor Italian guy. The Italian guy looked at him and said Whats the matter, are you foreigner or something?
The British guy said A foreigner? Good God no, Im British!
This is from my Uncle George, whos retired USAF. (US Air Force)
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses,
the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas
weight and balance calculations for sleds enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.
Whats that for? asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, Im not supposed to tell you this, but
youre gonna lose an engine on takeoff.
I used to be smug about the Y2K problem even though it was definitely a problem with 100% probability of occurrence. But then I got to thinking about chaos theory and what really causes big problems and disasters. Its the little unexpected things. For example, a barge strikes a bridge causing a train to fall into the water. Who would have predicted that?
So, heres what you really need to watch out for in 1999:
El Kabong. We all know about the problems caused by El Nino and La Nina. No one expects them both to occur simultaneously! They say its impossible. Ergo, what do you suppose will happen? Both El Nino and La Nina at the same time. I call it El Kabong! It turns out to be the greatest natural disaster in modern time – but wait, there is finally some good news …
Due to the change to the Euro-dollar, a software glitch introduced by a Y2K date fix prevents a stock market meltdown. Investors would have been saved billions when what was just a 1-day panic was suddenly halted as the stock markets computers crashed. However, a ruling by a Canadian judge forces the glitch to be removed since the comment describing the fix code was not written in both English and French. The panic is re-introduced and the worlds markets are all thrown into the deepest depression of all time, until …
An exceedingly enormous comet is found to be heading to impact the earth within 6 months. Markets recover as governments spend zillions on the problem until its determined that the comet is so huge its impossible to stop! Just as panic and street violence strike every nation, …
Aliens arrive to plunder the earth. No, not illegal aliens. Aliens from UFOs. They say resistance is futile since they have also seen the comet which is coming to wipe us out. Since were not going to be here to use it anyway, they just want to salvage as much of our resources as they can. That is until they meet …
Bill Gates (who having seen the comets approach has stopped all work on the Y2K fix) sells all his remaining stock and control of Microsoft to the aliens, thereby becoming the riches man in the world for the next 3 months. In a final triumph of his newly found wealth, Bill buys up every computer running Linux and has them dropped one by one from the towers of the recently acquired World Trade Center.
In the earths last desperate days, further panic is spurred by the scarcity of gold when it is revealed by Ken Starr that the president has made a deal with the aliens to buy the worlds remaining supply from the newly merged giant Exxon – Mobile – Microsoft – GM – REED – QVC – AOL – Shopping Channel.com.
The worlds dwindling food supply goes for sale on ebay and is purchased in its entirety by the aliens whose super-fast computers (now crash-proof having installed the final service release (SR 187.342) to Windows 95) win all the auctions.
In the final minutes before the earths obliteration, the gargantuan alien craft with much of the worlds wealth departs for its home galaxy. Unfortunately, as the craft switches from earth-based to its home-world interstellar systems, the date functions for their year 2 million (Y2M) cause the Microsoft Y2K fixes to fail. The ship is drawn into the comets path and is totally obliterated. Serendipitously, an immense energy shockwave transports the comet into another dimension where it continues harmlessly.
Thus the earth would be saved had the heat from the same energy shockwave which transported the comet not burned away all the earths atmosphere.
Now, youre probably saying to yourself That could not happen. Thats what they say about every bridge that collapses, about every Titanic that sinks, about every medicine with harmful side effects, about every president who tries to avoid impeachment.
Think of your children! You cant afford not to be prepared?
Send $0.25 for my original brochure: How to prepare for the coming Comet – Alien Invasion – Bill Gates – Y2K – Market Collapse. (Include $99.75 for shipping & handling.)
Do it today, cause Ill have it written by the time your order arrives!
And if you dont believe it, just ask me, Ill tell you for sure its true.
(by Howard V. Carson, January, 1999)
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?
Youre going to die, she replied.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client. Whats the bad news? The lawyer says, Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
Dammit! cries the client. Whats the good news? Well, the lawyer says, Your cholesterol is down to 140.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
Say, whats your name, mister? she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
Its Snow, Roy Snow, he answered, and whats yours?
Im June, June Hansen, she said. Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
Can you imagine what it might be like, he countered with a question of his own, having eight inches of Snow in June?
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever hitchhiked naked.