Old and New Jokes

Yo mama has green hair and thinks shes a tree.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Ten things that dads probably dont say too often!

10. Well, how bout that?… Im lost. Looks like well have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that youre 13, youll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Wont that be fun?

8. I notice that all your friends have a certain up yours attitude… I like that.

7. Heres a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.

6. What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I dont know whats wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and lets go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Fathers Day? Dont worry about that – its no big deal.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.

He sat down next to a priest.

The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can understand them.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

Man said to God: God, why did you amke woman so beautiful?

God replied, So you would lover her.

But God, the man says, why did you make her so dumb?

God said: So she would love you.

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Forty-five pounds.

And what is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Forty-five Minutes

Did you know that waving red cloth in front does not make any bull angry?

It is the cow which usually gets angree like this.

The bull gets pissed off at the thought that you are waving red cloth at him thinking that he is a cow!

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Un grupo de enanos va a jugar futbol. Alquilan una canchita de futbol de sala, y se van todos contentos. Cuando llegan, encuentran que no existen vestidores, y deciden ponerse el uniforme en el baño de una sala de juegos o de maquinitas que hay al lado.

Todos entran y van hasta el fondo de la sala de maquinitas, donde está el baño. Luego llega un marihuano, cliente de la maquinitas y se queda pensando en qué máquinita jugar. Poco después, pasan delante del tipo los jugadores de blanco.

Al marihuano le parece extraño pero sigue parado en el mismo lugar. Después, pasan los jugadores de rojo. Entonces se le pelan los ojos y se acerca al administrador de la sala de juegos y le dice:

¡¡¡ABUSADO COMPADRE, SE TE ESTAN ESCAPANDO LOS JUGADORES DE TU MESA DE FUTBOLITO!!!