Old and New Jokes

What did the blonde say when she look into the Cheerios box?

Oh look… Doughnut seeds!

I had it all said Nathan to his friend Aaron,A very profitable business, a beautiful home, three cars, a son and daughter both in medical school, and the love of a beautiful woman. Then poof…it was all gone

Oy vay, vat heppened? asked Aaron.

My vife found out, now she has it all

The judge was very stern with the woman.

You are the wife of this man, he said severely. You knew he was a burglar when you married him?

Yes, she replied. I wasnt getting any younger, and I had tochoose between a burglar and a lawyer.

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say Do Not Pass?

How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?

Crime doesnt pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?

Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?

How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just
getting finished with their shaves–the barbers were reaching for some
aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, Hey, dont put that shit on me! My wife will think
Ive been in a whorehouse!

The chief turned to his barber and said, Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesnt know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?

The judge said that was true.

Does this mean I cannot call a pig, Mrs. Johnson? the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said…

Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldnt quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastors study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. Im in awe at your faith, pastor, she said.

Its really nothing, he answered.

The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances, they explained.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man looked horrified and said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife! Well, said the CIA man, youre definitely not the right man for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man.

Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!

Este era un chamo que vendía chupetas de cuca a todo grito:

¡Chupeta e cuca! ¡Chupeta e cuca!

Un muchacho escucha y le parece una muy buena oferta.

¿Cuánto valen?

50 Bs.

Ah, dame una entonces.

Pero cuando la prueba, le reclama:

¡Pero esto sabe a culo!

¡Voltéala, estúpido!