A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said… Well thats great, just great… some assholes got my pen!
Se encontraban reunidos un ruso, un gringo y un mexicano discutiendo sobre quién contaba con lo mejor en adelantos médicos.
El ruso dice: nosotrrrrros ser mejores que todos, el otro dÃa a un agente de la KGB le explotó una grrranada en el abdomen, le estalló el hÃgado, se le reventaron los intestinos, se le deshizo el estómago, en fin quedó hecho mierda, pero con la ciencia tan avanzada que hay en Rusia, lo atendieron y en un mes ya estaba como nuevo.
Eso no es nada dice el gringo, nosotros ser mejores: a un compañero de la CIA lo arrolló el ferrocarril, y quedaron las piernas por aquÃ, los brazos por allá, el cuerpo más allá; pero curar con medicina gringa y en quince dÃas estaba caminando y trabajando como siempre.
El mexicano se quedó pensando estos pinches güeros no me van a joder, no me puedo quedar atrás. Entonces les dijo: pues nosotros somos más chingones que ustedes: fÃjense, yo no soy ningún agente ni de la KGB, ni de la CIA, sólo soy el poli de la esquina, pero hace 10 minutos tenÃa un hoyo en este dedo, y les enseña el dedo medio de la mano derecha, y miren ahora, miren.
¡Cómo, 10 minutos! ¡Eso no ser cierto, no te podemos creer!.
¡Ah! ¿No me creen? les pregunta acercándoles el dedo a la nariz, huélanlo, huélanlo.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"Im free, Im free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "Im four."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–"
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their States patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters.
They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly.
Bhagat Singh said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali.
Netaji said the Bengali and did the same.
They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardars ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.
The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighters name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengalis head and pulled all his hair out shouting – JallianWala Bagh.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.
Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)
On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: Safety ladder, climb at own risk.
Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!
Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: Run like Anything!
Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.
Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid? A: She opens her mouth!
PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive… DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!
Vatican Rescinds Blessed Status of Worlds Meek- Screw the Meek, Says Pope
VATICAN CITY–In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional blessed status of the worlds meek.
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, Blessed are the meek, said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this blessed status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated.
Screw the meek, the pope added.
Citing two millennia of inaction and non-achievement by the worlds impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meeks historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted bad faith on their part.
Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth, the Supreme Pontiff said. For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints.
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now, said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Churchs spiritual welfare checks for long enough.
Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy, Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montréal said. Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers.
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the worlds Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.
The meeks blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, the Pope said, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and Gods everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become Gold Circle members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.
We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary, Vittorio said. If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it wont be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.
The Lord will provide, of course, the pope said. But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean.
It seems a new widow was upset with the director of the local funeral parlor. I brought his dark blue suit in here. Thats what he always wore. Youve dressed him in this shabby beige one. Im really displeased! the grieving woman lamented.Rubbing his hands in anguish, the funeral parlor director, fearful of the womans telling others about his mistake and giving his competitor down the street some satisfaction, assured the lady the error would be soon corrected. Please have a seat right here, the director urged the woman. It wont take long, I assure you!The woman sat down, took out a hankie and dabbed at her eyes, fighting back the tears that would not seem to stop since she lost her dearly beloved husband. No sooner than she had tucked the moistened cloth back in her purse, the doors to the preparation room swung open, the modest casket being rolled back into the viewing room. She hurried over. Oh, yes, thats dear Ralph! Thats more like it! she purred. Oh! thank you so much, she glowed in her grief. The directors hands had slowed into a twisting motion in front of his somber tie. We try hard to please, madam!The widow sat down next to the casket to spend a few moments next to her dear departed. In her distraction over Ralphs recent demise and the need for the transformation from beige to blue, the widow had not thought to inquire how the funeral director had effected such an immediate alteration of his attire. But the director was now occupied with assisting another newly bereaved woman. It so happened that a young assistant undertaker was at that very moment emerging from the preparation room.Young man! the widow beckoned. My husband looks so nice. You all certainly know your business. How did you ever manage to change his suit so quickly?Said the young undertaker to the widow, No problem, maam. It happens all the time, wrong clothes, you know. We have different suits already set up. It just takes