Old and New Jokes

Here are some important management lessons that many of us have had to learn the hard way…

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and functions.

The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You dont need brains to be Boss. Any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection, he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenters brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumbers brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politicians brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow – damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the runs over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

Im so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh

My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. Im allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,…NOT! Santa

Why did the nun cross the road?

Well, YOU try crossing yourself after being hit by a truck!

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Two friends met after many years at a hill resort. Coincidently both had come with their wives to spend their honey moon, After catching up with their childhood days and lot of back slapping, they decided to let each other know how many times each one did that night, but the problem was how to comunicate.

It was thus decided that during breakfast the next day, the no of times one did would apply butter that many times on the toast. So the next morning when they met at the breakfast table along with their wives.

The first friend picked up a toast and applied butter, one time, two times three times, four times After that he kept the knife back and looked at his friend across the table.

The Second friend picked up the toast and started applying the butter Once, twice,thrice, four times, fivetimes, then he looked at his friend,and then turned the Toast over and started applying the butter ,once,twice,thrice……..

Illiterate? No problem!

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HEY I WEAR THE PLANTS OF THIS FAMILY!

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, Mommy, I learned new words today. She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, Takeoffzebrababy!