Old and New Jokes

Una chica conoció a un chico y lo invitó a cenar a su casa.

El padre de la chica era catalán (y muy amarrete) y al ver al chico le dió una manzana.

Al otro día la chica invitó al pibe de nuevo y el padre catalán preguntó:

¿Qué hiciste con la manzana?

Y el chico respondió:

Me la comí.

Muy mal, deberías haberla partío en seis, comer una cada día de la semana, con las semillas alimentar a las gallinas y con el huevo que puso la gallina comés el séptimo día. Te voy a dar otra oportunidad.

Entonces agarró el catalán le dió un chorizo.

A la semana la chica lo volvió a invitar, y el padre preguntó:

¿Qué hiciste con el chorizo?

Lo corté en siete pedazos, comí uno cada día de la semana, con la chapita me hice un anillo, con el cordel me hice una pulserita, con la piel hice un preservativo, tuve sexo con su hija y acá tiene la leche para el gato.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”



The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”



“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”



Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.



“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.



“Well,” your Holiness, “I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”



“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.



Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.



2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.



3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately works.



4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.



5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.



6. There is no better than here, When your there has become a here, you will simply obtain another there that again, looks better than here.



7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.



8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.



9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to lifes questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.



10. You will forget all this.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened? they asked. Well, said Moishe, First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.

Yes, yes,.. and then??? asked the crowd.

I dont know, said Moishe, He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

Youre running around with other women, she told her mate.

Eve, honey, youre being unreasonable, Adam responded. You know youre the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve!

Read in a Turkish newspaper:

A tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.

During the summer you dont have any nights, and during the winter
you dont have any days… What do you do during that endless summer
day? he asks.

We go fishing, and make love to our women, the Eskimo replies.

The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:

Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?

Eskimo grins:

We dont go fishing…

Noticia después de las Olimpiadas:

Los atletas españoles se llevan de Sidney 40 medallas de oro y 25 de plata…

…Ya han sido detenidos y puestos a disposición judicial.

Dos amigos conversaban en la barra de un bar y el uno le pregunta:

¿Por qué estás preocupado?

Ya es muy tarde y mi mujer me va a matar.

No te preocupes, llega calladito, te metes bajo las sábanas, le sacas el calzón a tu mujer y le practicas el sexo oral. A ella le va a encantar y no te dirá nada.

El tipo llega a su casa entra despacio se quita la ropa se mete debajo de las sábanas le saca el calzón y le practica el sexo oral. Ella gemía y gemía, y por fin termina. El se levanta, se va al baño y al entrar ve a su esposa sentada en el baño, asustado le dice:

¿Cómo llegaste acá tan rápido?

La esposa le contesta:

No hagas ruido que mi mamá está durmiendo en nuestra cama.

What does an army general kiss under at christmas? Missile toe