There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City.
The second one says, My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City.
The third one says, My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends… One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city!
Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldnt stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldnt stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldnt explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldnt explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say Hes the one
Nixon: Famous for his widows peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in a series of small fires.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judges ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, Ive decided Im going to be a minister when I grow up.Thats okay with us, the mother said, But what made you decide to be a minister?Well, the boy replied, Ill have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be much more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, Gadsby, which contains over 50,000 words — none of them with the letter E!
Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online.
Ive heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id better
hold onto it in case they dont ever send me anther one! I cant connect.
I dont know what is wrong.
July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my
computer needs a
modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it
goes. It wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year
old next door did it for me. But it still doesnt work. I cant get online.
July 25 That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online
for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says thats
just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didnt even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.
July 26 Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online.
Not this internet thing. Im confused.
July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it
because Im connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital
letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS
THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE
TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use
it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. Im so
exited.
Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.
August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read
a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 I was asking where to find some information about
something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but I
cant find that group.
August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes
laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why
the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.
August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I
like.
August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of
what I was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so
dumb.
Maurice: Where does a fisherman go to get his haircut?
Denise: Where
Maurice: The bobber shop
A poem from a black fella to a white fella.
Dear white fella, somethings you should know:
when I was born, I black
when I grow up, I black
when I go in sun, I black
when I cold, I black
when I scared, I black
when I mad, I black
when I sick, I black
and when I die, I still black.
You white fella:
when you born, you pink
when you grow up, you white
when you go sun, you brown
when you cold, you blue
when you scared, you yellow
when you mad, you red
when you sick, you green
and when you die, you grey.
And you have the fuckin nerve to call me colored.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
Esta era una competencia de natación muy especial, pues se trataba de ver quien nadaba 100 metros sin que lo devoraran los cocodrilos que estaban dentro de la alberca.
Entra un japonés y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 metros, y se lo engullen los cocodrilos.
Sigue el francés y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 metros, y los cocodrilos lo devoran.
Después de eso, nadie se atrevÃa a participar, por lo que a través de altoparlantes solicitaban más participantes.
¿Qué tenemos aqu� Un mexicano, dice el anunciador, y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 metros.
Bueno tenemos un ganador, anuncian. ¿Algo que quiera decir al público?, entrevistan al atleta.
¡Qué chingue a su madre el que me aventó!, estalla el nadador.