Old and New Jokes

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… Pull over!

No, she shouts back, a pair of socks!

What do you call 100 Eitheopeans standing in shallow water?

Skinny dipping.

Youre a redneck if…

-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?

-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply…



___Your last name is objectionable. I cant imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.



___Your first name is objectionable. Its just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.



___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!



___Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms by the truckload indicates that you m! ay be interested in me for something other than my personality.



___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.



___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!



___Your legs are skinnier than mine.



___Youre too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.



___Youre too tall. Im developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.



___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.



___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.



___The phrase My Mother has popped up far too often in conversation.



___You still live with your parents.



___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.



___Your frequent references to your ex -girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.



___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.



___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.



___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.



___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely, ______________________

To My Critics



When I am in a sober mood



I worry, work and think



When I am in a drunken mood



I gamble, fight and drink



But when all my moods are over



And the world has come to pass



I hope they bury me upside down



So the world can kiss my ass

One day, this young boy and his Grandfather were fishing in a boat out on a lake. The Grandfather pulls out a beer from his cooler and starts drinking it. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? Grandpa replies, When your willies long enough to touch your ass, then youll be old enough and I will give you one.

A little later the Grandfather pulls out a long cigar. The boy asks Grandpa, can I have one of those? He replies If your willie can touch your ass, then you can have one.

Later that day the boy pulls out a snack pack and starts eating it. The Grandfather asks, Grandson, can I get one of those?

The boy asks, Can your willie touch your ass?

The Grandfather says Yes it can.

The boy says, Then go screw yourself.

were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them theyd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying JESUS SAVES. One of the girls asked the cop, How come you dont stop them?
Well, thats a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains
to religion. So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed the new sign which now read….
TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER—$50.00.

Theres an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: I was cleaning my daughters room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: Thats nothing. I was cleaning my daughters room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she drank!

With that the Irishman says: Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didnt even know she had a willy!

I cant remember where I read this several years ago but it was
alleged to have really happened.

Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics, he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town, a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and pump them up a
bit, then Humphrey could go shake everybodys hand. This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks hes Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But hes
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so wed appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice to him.

After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
acted.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, Windy, isnt it?
Second one says, No, its Thursday!
Third one says, So am I. Lets go get a beer.