Old and New Jokes

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can understand them.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

Man said to God: God, why did you amke woman so beautiful?

God replied, So you would lover her.

But God, the man says, why did you make her so dumb?

God said: So she would love you.

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Forty-five pounds.

And what is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Forty-five Minutes

Did you know that waving red cloth in front does not make any bull angry?

It is the cow which usually gets angree like this.

The bull gets pissed off at the thought that you are waving red cloth at him thinking that he is a cow!

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Un grupo de enanos va a jugar futbol. Alquilan una canchita de futbol de sala, y se van todos contentos. Cuando llegan, encuentran que no existen vestidores, y deciden ponerse el uniforme en el baño de una sala de juegos o de maquinitas que hay al lado.

Todos entran y van hasta el fondo de la sala de maquinitas, donde está el baño. Luego llega un marihuano, cliente de la maquinitas y se queda pensando en qué máquinita jugar. Poco después, pasan delante del tipo los jugadores de blanco.

Al marihuano le parece extraño pero sigue parado en el mismo lugar. Después, pasan los jugadores de rojo. Entonces se le pelan los ojos y se acerca al administrador de la sala de juegos y le dice:

¡¡¡ABUSADO COMPADRE, SE TE ESTAN ESCAPANDO LOS JUGADORES DE TU MESA DE FUTBOLITO!!!

Un borracho sale de la taberna, y al llegar a su barrio se queda totalmente quieto con las llaves en la mano. Un hombre se le acerca y le pregunta:

¿Qué, esperando?

Con tartajosa voz el ebrio responde:

Sí, como todas las casas dan vueltas, estoy esperando que pase la mía.

khudha ne ager ye rista na banaia hota


ek dost ko duje se na milaya hota


ye zindgi ho jati bejaan


ager maine app jesa dost paya na hota

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.