Old and New Jokes

An antidote is a medicine you take to prevent dotes.

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, What flag is this?

A little girl called out, Thats the flag of our country.

Very good, the teacher said. And what is the name of our country?

Tis of thee, the girl said confidently.

Little Johnny ran into the house one day and exclaimed to his mother:Mom! I found a way to clean out the outhouse hole so that we dont have to dig another one. Said Little JohnnyWhy thats great Little Johnny. How are you going to do it? Said MomIts simple really. I just put three sticks of dynamite in the hole and lit the fuse! Everything will get blown out and we wont have to dig another hole this year! Beamed Little Johnny.Oh Jesus Christ help us! Youre father is in there! Shouted MomAbout that time there was a terrible boom and crap went flying everywhere! Little Johnny and Mom went running outside to check if his Dad had survived.When they got to where the outhouse USED to be, they heard a moaning sound from up in a tree. They looked up and lo and behold, there was Little Johnnys Dad lying across a limb about 30 feet up.When he saw them looking up at him, Little Johnnys Dad became frantic and started screaming: Run for your lives! For Gods sake RUN!I might let another one!

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, Deepest Condolences, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it!

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry-cleaning store and tells the cleaners clerk, Ive got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, Come again?



No, says Monica. Its Mustard…

Glymes Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, youve got it made.

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and hes without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, What are you looking at, old man! Didnt you do anything wild when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot… I thought you might be my son.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

After a long period of unemployment, a lumberjack finally succeeds in finding work. After six months of being out in the boonies and being totally bored to death during his off-hours, he asks one of his coworkers:

Ya know, Ive been out here in the middle of nowhere for six months now, and Im dying for some excitement. Any women around here?

His friend answers Sorry, Bud, no women around here, but if its excitement you really want, tell ya what… Theres an old cabin down by the riverbank, and an old guy namea Charlie lives there. If you dont mind spending a little money, Charlie will show you the time of your life.

NO. NO WAY!! I DONT GO IN FOR THAT KINDA STUFF!! WHAT THE HELL DYOU THINK I AM, ANYWAY?

Okay, but youre gonna be out here for a long time…

I dont care. Im not doing anything like that, so forget it.

And so…

Six months after this conversation took place, the fella goes back to his friend and sez…

I cant hack this anymore. Im going out of my mind from boredom. Six months ago, you told me about old Charlie down by the riverbank. How much will it cost to spend one night with the guy?

His friend answers Five hundred dollars.

FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?? WHY IN GODS NAME DOES IT COST SO MUCH?

Well, theres two hundred for Charlie, and $100 apiece for each of the 3 guys who have to hold Charlie down. You see, old Charlie dont go for that kinda stuff either.