Rip a top joke off another website.
24
Mar
23
Mar
Uno de los locos del manicomio sale del baño corriendo y gritando desesperado:
¡Llévenme donde el director que he descubierto mi problema
Ante tanto alboroto, uno de los médicos lo lleva donde el director.
¿Qué es lo que pasa?
Doctor, fÃjese que ya sé lo que me pasa y, tal como se lo habÃa dicho, ¡no estoy loco!
A ver, dÃgame, entonces ¿qué es lo tiene?
El loco, bajándose rápidamente los pantalones, se mete el dedo medio por el ano; lo saca y, sin darle tiempo a nadie de reaccionar, se lo pasa por la nariz al doctor, al mismo tiempo que le grita:
Ya ve doctor, no estoy loco: ¡Yo lo que estoy es podrido!
23
Mar
1.- Al encender su carro :
Pida al Dios Todo Poderoso que lo cuide y proteja contra los peligros que encontrará en las calles dominicanas. Tenga mucho cuidado con los conductores en reversa. Esta clase de conductores son muy famosos por salir en reversa desde sus marquesinas, sin importarles mucho lo que pueda haber en el camino. Si se encuentra con uno de estos conductores entonces usted podrá poner en práctica el saludo dominicano de conductores.
2.- Saludo dominicano de conductores :
Para saludar a un conductor dominicano, baje lentamente su ventana y con un tono grave y fuerte diga: TU MALDITA MADRE, puede incluirse al final de la expresión algún sustantivo calificativo como: JUE LA GRAN PUTA, MARICONAZO, DEGRACIAO, FATAL (escoja el mas adecuado). De todas maneras, esté siempre preparado para responder con un VAYASE A LA MIERDA o CALLESE BUENA MIERDA. En caso de que el otro conductor lo haya saludado primero. Puede acompañar el saludo con señales producidas con el dedo mayor de cualquiera de sus manos.
3.- Luces direccionales :
Si un conductor en otro carril enciende sus luces direccionales con la intención de cambiar de carril, no lo deje entrar a su carril. De hecho, pise el acelerador y póngase próximo a él. Es probable que el conductor intente saludarlo, pero usted ya sabe exactamente que hacer (ver parrafo anterior referente a! saludos Dominicanos de Conductores).
4.-Semáforos :
Estos interesantes artefactos suelen encontrarse en las intersecciones de las calles sin tener ninguna razon de existir, pero ahà están. Es muy probable encontrar conductores detenidos observando como cambian las luces de colores (una experiencia fascinante). Los policÃas de tránsito creen que cada color tiene un significado que el conductor debe respetar. De la observación efectuada se ha determinado el significado de cada color:
a.- Luz amarilla: acelere su carro tanto como pueda.
b.- Luz roja: esta luz le permite a 5 o 6 carros más después de su encendido.
c.- Luz verde: reduzca la velocidad y espere que 5 o 6 carros atraviesen su luz roja.
Nota: es vital tocar la bocina a los 1.5 segundos del encendido de la luz verde.
5.- Cambio de carril :
Antes que nada, no importa lo que vaya a hacer, nunca encienda sus luces direccionales, de lo contrario provocar la reacción del otro conductor ver (Luces direccionales). Observe al conductor que viene por el carril al que desea cambiarse, y ante su menor descuido métase desenfrenadamente, se sorprenderá al darse cuenta que sólo necesita unos centÃmetros entre carro y carro. En ese momento será saludado (ver párrafo anterior referente a saludos Dominicanos de Conductores) por no menos de 3 conductores. Para perfeccionar su cambio de carril hay varias técnicas, por ejemplo: intente desacelerar su carro drásticamente y en cuestión de segundos, no deje de observar el fenómeno de reacción en cadena producido por el conductor de atrás, y en medio del caos cambie de carril y acelere.
6.- Tapones :
Durante los tapones se realizan actividades muy divertidas:
a. Toque su bocina;
b. Retoque su maquillaje (conductoras Femeninas);
c. Pierda peso sudando como un perro si no tiene aire acondicionado;
d. Salude a otros conductores (ver párrafo anterior referente a saludos Dominicanos de Conductores).
e. Perfeccione su cambio de carril.
f. Hable por el celular (es más común utilizarlo mientras conduce).
g. Sáquese los mocos, introduciendo su dedo hasta lo más profundo de su cerebro y forme bolitas con ellos para entretenerse mientras espera.
h. Escupa fuertemente hacia la calle y luego mire los labios de los otros conductores mientras le dicen mira ese puerco
7.- Peatones :
Estos individuos son una molestia para los conductors. En caso de encontrar uno de estos, acelere y muéstrele quién es el jefe. En las intersecciones, ceda el paso al peatón y cuando lo tenga en la mira tÃrele el carro arriba. Si no llega a darle, puesto que son muy hábiles, no se preocupe, seguramente le habrá dado un buen susto.
23
Mar
These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual 3 to 1, majority rules statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.Oh, God! he cried. I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. A sign from God! See, Im right, I knew it! But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign! This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.I told you I was right! cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, Oh God…, the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, HEEEEEEEES RIIIIIIIGHT!The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, Well?So, shrugged one of the other rabbis, now its 3 to 2.
23
Mar
Mother,
father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says
to his mother, "Whats that?"
"Thats the elephants tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh,
nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question.
His father looks and says, "Thats the elephants
penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks
the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and
says, "Son, Ive spoiled that woman."
23
Mar
The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians—it creates a hostile work environment!
23
Mar
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.
23
Mar
A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.
The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says Inspecting wood.
The owner laughs and says But youre blind!
The blind man replies, Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is.
The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, Tell me what kind of wood this is.
The blind man plainly replies Its pine.
The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.
The owner thinks for a bit, then says, I have one more piece for you to smell.
He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretarys crotch.
The blind man replies, Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!
22
Mar
Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
22
Mar
1. Youve ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that arent.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath.
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as the day my ship came in.
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall
because of her language.
17. Someone asks, Wheres your bowling bag? and you answer, Shes at home with the kids.
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.
22. Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonalds bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. Youve ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. Youve ever financed a tattoo.
51. Youve ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and dont need a program.
61. Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. Youve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog cant watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on
your arm.
77. Youve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
78. Youve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, For a good time call….
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the pull my finger trick during Christmas
dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. Youve ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers wont get in the car with you.
90. Youve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
95. You call your boss dude.
96. You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. Youve ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
102. Youve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute
for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wifes
hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because youre both in the same
grade.
110. Your house doesnt have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the Lube Rack.
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesnt fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase turn off the paved road.
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while youre at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. Youve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.