Two old Italian men, Carlo and Giovanni, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.
It was a real struggle, said Carlo
I know what you mean, replied Giovanni.
I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day, Carlo reminisced.
Yup, Giovanni concurred.
But it didnt work, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway, concluded Carlo.
Estos eran dos ratones que andaban por la carretera, en eso pasa un tráiler y el chofer tira un cigarro de marihuana, entonces le dice un ratón al otro, Mira vamos a darle una fumadita, y el otro ratón le contesta, No, yo no le hago a eso Bueno, ¡pues yo sà le fumo! Y que se pone bien loco. Después de dos toques, el méndigo ratón se creÃa Supermán. En eso venÃa otro tráiler por la carretera y dice el ratón que fumó al otro:
Vas a ver cómo te paro ese tráiler con una mano.
Y le dice el otro: No chingues, no seas güey; te van a aplastar.
¡Vas a ver!, le contesta el otro, y diciendo y haciendo, se pone en medio de la calle con una mano haciendo alto y con la otra en la cintura.
En eso, que se le poncha una llanta al tráiler y por buena suerte que se para en la mera mano del ratón.
Cuando se para el tráiler, se baja el chofer y dice: ¡Me lleva la madre! Voy a tener que sacar el gato.
Y dice el ratón:
Ni me amenaces güey. ¡Que te volteo el pinche tráiler!
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but Nescafe. Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: Good till the last drop. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: Benson & Hedges. Mum now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: Extra Long. King Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words British Airways. Mum took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
Mum fainted.
As supposedly reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of a drug kingpins daughter, let it be known on the street that dealers were invited (i. e. Expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was S. P. O. C. (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the band took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? I Fought The Law, And The Law Won
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when youre among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Good cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
From the Daily Collegian:
Elland, England – A 14-year-old boy has united a West Yorkshire town against him. Since age 8, when he already was notorious for stealing candy, he has been arrested 88 times and convicted of 130 crimes, all within 1-1/2 miles of his home, courts and police say.
I would pay for stocks on the precinct (town square) and leave him there with his pants down for a week, said Annette Ford, who had to shell out for more security devices and higher insurance premiums for her florist shop.
The one-boy crime wave rolls on because the courts are unable to lock up one so young. The boy is often ordered to go to a supervised youth center or perform community service.
The teenager, who cannot be named under a British law protecting children, promised last week to go straight.
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. Thats right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101–Combating Stupidity MEN 102–You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103–PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104–We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule: MEN 110–Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111–Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112–Parenting: It Doesnt End with Conception EAT 100–Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101–Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A–Whats Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule: MEN 120–How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When Youre Wrong MEN 121–Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122–YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123–Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C–What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101–You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102–Morning Dilemma: If Its Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103–How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201–How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective–See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule: MEN 210–The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211–How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212–You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213–Believe Me, You Dont Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule: MEN 220–Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222–Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223–Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
Course Electives: EAT 101–Cooking with Tofu EAT 102–Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103–Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231–Mothers-in-law MEN 232–Appear to Be Listening MEN 233–Just Say Yes, Dear ECON 001C–Cheaper to Keep Her
Statistics show that marriage is 83 percent effective in preventing suicide. On the other hand, statistics also show that suicide is 100 percent effective in preventing marriage.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.