Old and New Jokes

Dos locas conversan. Dice la una:

Por la mañana voy a la iglesia a rezar maitines. Después de desayunarme, rezo el rosario. A las doce voy a la capilla a rezar el ángelus, después de comer rezo el Ave María. A las seis voy a misa, me confieso y comulgo. Después de oír misa escucho la novena. Antes de acostarme rezo el rosario y una vez acostada rezo tres avemarías y cinco padrenuestros. Todo esto lo hago porque pienso que el alma es para el Cielo.

¿Y el cuerpo, qué?, pregunta la otra mariquita.

Al cuerpo que le den por culo, que para eso está.

There was a blonde that was tierd of her life so decided to hang herself. So as a guy walked by and saw her hanging by the waste, and asked her what she was doing. She said that she was trying to hang herself. So the guy then asked her, shouldnt you be hanging by the neck instead of the waste? The Blonde replied, Well, I tried that, but then i couldnt breath.

As we used to say when I worked in retail, This wouldnt be a bad job if it
werent for the customers.

STATE OF OHIO DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES

BULLETIN NO. 981059

DATE: October 21, 2000

TO: All Ohio Vehicle Owners

FROM: Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 69-13, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after Oct. 21, 2000 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. Ohio DMV Act 69-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles.

The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning October 21, 2000, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.

Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognised that this will cause some hardship for the driving public, however, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. A recent study entitled the Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic Accidents was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel …

Thank You

Your surgeon is wearing a mask, but no pants.
Theres a dog at the end of the table begging for scraps.
A nurse is wiping the surgeons forehead with a small animal.
A group of midget interns is observing your surgery from below via a glass-bottom operating table.
Your I.V. tube appears to be hooked up to a freshwater aquarium.
A group of hooded figures is chanting incantations at the foot of the operating table.
Sinead OConner is ripping up your chest X-Ray.
A nurse looking through your wallet exclaims, Hey-he does have an organ donor card!
Jeffrey Dahmer is sprinkling paprika on your thighs.
Your doctor is standing on the operating table screaming, Give my creation life!
Sitting among the medical students on the other side of the glass viewing window is your wife holding hands with Joey Buttafuco.
The town mortician is measuring your inseam!
You hear a voice on a bullhorn outside the O.R. saying, This is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms-give yourselves up!
The floor is covered with sawdust and peanut shells!
A Dominoes guy has just arrived with two large pepperoni pizzas, and a nurse is taking $20 out of your trousers!

Dear Mr. Blix,

Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few “Dos” and “Don’ts”.

DO:

Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World “savages”. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones. I joke!

DO:

Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While you’re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:

Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while you’re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.

DON’T:

Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic “tools” you cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my own noble pleasures.

DON’T:

Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON’T:

Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing!

In Me I Trust,

Saddam

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked Wow, how did you do that? The guy, all tired and wet replied I simply used my head.

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them.If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.Its always darkest before the dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-
of-the-fridge-is group.Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, its a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.Love is like a roller coaster: When its good you dont want to get off, and when it is

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately,
the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour
happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if
your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of
the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to
it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Im on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.



Psychiatrist: Dont you have a phone in your car?

Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.



Psychiatrist: Uh … Hows that working?

Blonde: Actually, I havent gotten any letters yet.



Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

Blonde: I figure its because when Im driving around, my zip code keeps changing.



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The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

Parking for drive-through customers only!

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