Old and New Jokes

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

Because thats how many seconds it will take to boot up!
Because thats how many diskettes will come with the installation package.
Thats how many MEG of RAM you will need.
Thats how much space it will take up on your hard disk.
Because thats the year they will ANNOUNCE the product. (delivering it is another issue!)
Thats how many pounds the manual will weigh.
Thats the number of bugs that will be discovered in the productin its first year.
Thats how many minutes you should expect to stay on hold when calling for support.
Thats how many million brain cells the average IS person will loose installing it on their network.
Thats the number of windows applications that will not work correctly without requiring an upgrade.

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it…ribb-it…ribb-it;
and a Busch frog goes bud…wis…er;
Then I guess a Windows 95 frog goes
Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot

Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs!

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?

The old man replies, I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

The journalist is amazed. How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. Like Im talking to a wall.

Gods sitting up in his ivory tower, hes had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so hes decided to go on holiday.

He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint and a joint.

What about Mars? says one of them.

Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago, says God. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.

What about Pluto? suggests another.

Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago, says God. F***ing freezing.

What about Mercury then? says another.

Its nice but I went there about 5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me bollocks off it was that hot. Never again, says God.

Well what about earth then? suggests another.

You must be joking, says God, I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and theyre still f***ing talking about it.

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.