Old and New Jokes

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions arent necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?

Shiite on a shingle.

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the local man the job. Boudreaux said Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?

The manager said, We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.

Boudreaux asked An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?

The manager replied, Simple, the local man put down on question #5, I dont know, you put down, neither do I.

Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?

Because it was invented in West Virginia.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that. The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that! The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be, when I finally get it…

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. Im too young to die! she wails. Then she yells, Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??



For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. I can make you feel like a woman, he says. Hes gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

Iron this.

A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark. What do you look like ?, the snake asked.

Ive got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail

Aha the snake said then you must be a rabbit

Yes, I am. What do you look like? the rabbit asked.

Im bald all over my body and Ive got no ears the snake said.

Aha the rabbit said, then you must be Niki Lauda

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?! The man turned toward the teller and simply said Looking around.