3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.
The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, I drove my car into a ditch.
The second woman said, I blew chunks.
The third woman said, I burned down my house.
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, I guess I won, and the second woman said, You dont understand, Chunks is my dog.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, Im too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and Im smarter than her to. The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the
principal.The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.The teacher and Johnny both agreed.Principal: what is 3 x 3 Johnny: 9Principal: 6 x 6 Johnny: 36And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher I see no reason Johnny cant go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right. The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: LegsTeacher: What do you have in your pants that I dont have? The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, pocketsTeacher: What does a dog do that a man steps into? Johnny: PantsTeacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement? Johnny: FiretruckThe principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Holly!
Holly who?
Hollylujah!
Youve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Youve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Priest: What have you done my child?
Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.
Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?
Girl: Because he touched my hand.
Priest: Like this?
(as he touches her hand) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he touched my breast.
Priest: Like this?
(as he touched her breast) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.
Priest: Like this?
(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.
Priest: Like this?
(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!! Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: But father he had AIDS! Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasnt having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?
The kid said, Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr… The man wasnt sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…
0ne more time,son. What was it you said? The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what? The man replied I work for the IRS.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
A conversation between a Siberian prison and a new convict:
How long did you get?
Ten years.
What did you do?
Nothing.
Impossible! For nothing you only get five years!
[Ed: Reported Source – The Gulag Archipelago ]
Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldnt solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down …